Do you force your child to keep taking music lessons?

[DanS]

Need a little advice here kids.

 

My 12 year old daughter has been taking piano lessons since she was 6. My wife and I have noticed that this year she seems to have lost a lot of interest in the whole affair.

She started high school last September and her workload increased dramatically, and I let her know that school came first, piano second ( not that this was a problem for her either way, which I'll explain in a bit).

We have been thinking of telling her that next "piano year" (which starts in September), she will take a break for a year and see how it goes.

When we mentioned this, she seemed a little sad about the whole idea, which I almost don't understand.

Thing is, she likes piano, but not more than that. It has always been a real chore for her to practice, and a bigger chore for us to constantly remind her to do her lessons.

During the summer months, she literally doesn't play a note, and avoids the piano completely. Just this past week, her books sat in her music bag all week until last night, the night before the lesson, which means she hasn't played a note since last Tuesday. I let her know I was not impressed.

For the first couple of years, I'd sit with her for the first night or 2 after her lesson, and go through everything with her to make sure she understood what it was she had to do.

For the last 2 years, I cut her loose, and now I only sit occasionally with her when she's having a problem. In consequence, her advance has slowed considerably.

The cost of the lessons is a consideration, close to $900 for the year, which would not be an issue if she 'loved' playing. Her teacher wants her to start taking theory as well, as my daughter can't take any exams and pass any levels until she's doing both. The theory is an extra class, and more $$$, and she's told me she doesn't want to do the theory.

As a musician, you hope that your kids will pick up some of the gene's & want to carry the torch, but I also don't want her to keep taking the lessons if she's really not into it.

However when asked, she says she wants to keep going.

Any suggestions would be helpful.

[Synthoid]

I was one of those kids who was "forced to take organ lessons" back in the day. Many afternoons and evenings I sat at that two-manual Baldwin keyboard, groaning. I even had a kitchen timer on top to let me know when my half-hour of practice was up!

 

But after many recitals and having to learn songs I didn't enjoy playing, I am grateful...it wasn't enjoyable at the time but I wouldn't be playing music today if my parents hadn't made me stick with it.

[Threadslayer]

You've laid the groundwork. She'll have a foundation in music for the rest of her life whether she pursues it this year or not. My daughter took lessons (Suzuki) starting at 6 also. At around your daughter's age she developed other interests and let the piano slide for a while. She's now 26 and plays the piano and guitar pretty much daily and is in a part time band and has scored a couple of her boyfriend's amateur films. She derives a lot of pleasure from music and it comes easily to her due in part to her early training. I wouldn't sweat it. YMMV

[Karl Sutton]

Good question Dan,

 

I'm earlier in the game then you, my daughter is only 7. I've been really contemplating how to discover my children's natural abilities & interests - especially if they're outside my realm of experience or knowledge.

 

I'd hope that my kids would learn to play because of the joy they could experience through it - but if they don't then maybe it's something else for them (sports, horses, whatever).

 

When I was a kid I started playing on my own at age 4, mom never made me practice or even took me to get lessons. She would buy books for me & I taught myself. So I think I had a built in desire to play.

 

When I think about "making" my kids do something I know is good for them, if they don't really enjoy it or do it on their own - then I guess I have to wonder if they really do have a desire for it or not.

 

I look forward to the feedback of our more experienced forum members.

[Mogut]

You've laid the groundwork. She'll have a foundation in music for the rest of her life whether she pursues it this year or not.

[lctrc]

Just my $.02

 

However when asked, she says she wants to keep going.

 

Then let her keep going. But if she isn't interested in theory, don't force her to take theory.

 

If the time comes that she says she doesn't want to take lessons anymore, let her stop. If later in life she regains interest, she'll come back to it on her own.

 

I took piano from 5 to 14, but rarely played a note between lessons (especially in the later years as I typically developed "other" interests). After I stopped, I didn't touch an instrument at all for almost 25 years. Even during that time I wished I hadn't stopped, yet it had been my own choice - no one forced me. However when I regained interest a couple years ago most of the fundamentals that I had developed early were still there even though I felt like I was starting over from scratch.

 

My point is this: as long as she wants to take the lessons then she is still deriving benefit, even if she doesn't have enough time or interest to practice much (or at all) between them.

[Musicale]

yeah I force my kids and then beat them if they don't practice. (just kidding).

 

Anyway a good question. 6 years of concentrated piano is a lot. Certainly a excellent foundation, depending on what she has learned. Too bad the teacher didn't teach theory as they went along. Perhaps a new teacher? Six years with one teacher is probably too long. I could see how she might be sad about taking some time off, after all she has spent a huge amount of time with this part of her life.

 

Maybe some application of ehat she has learned, like playing with others, maybe a couple of friends coukld come over and they could jam a bit, learn some music she listens to on the ipod etc. just may get her interested again. Perhaps a bit burned out with a new demands at school.

 

Hard to advise. I have two teenagers myself. They are coming of age and the parental influence wanes.

 

Good Luck,

 

Musicale

[wd8dky]

No, we didn't. My older son is now an ace trumpet player, and my younger a percussionist. They are both playing in the band one grade level above theirs.

 

The piano lessons got them started in making music, but they made their own choices when they were old enough to do so.

[Jazz+]

A DIRECTORS THOUGHTS ON PRACTICING

 

As parents were all faced with the question of how hard to push our kids with daily music practice. As a parent of a nineteen-year old who has successfully studied piano since he was nine, and is now teaching piano, I feel I have some valid ideas and suggestions about how to handle this with your child.

I feel the most popular misconception about children and music is that a child will automatically sit down and practice on their own once they start lessons, and that if they dont, they must not be really interested or have the talent. I can tell you that from my own experience, my son had to be reminded on a daily basis to do it, but at no time did I let him feel guilty about his reluctance to do so. I simply explained to him that learning an instrument was an important part of his education, and that he needed to devote just fifteen to twenty minutes per day, five days per week. Parents should understand that studying an instrument is work, in that effort and concentration must be applied, and that most children would rather forego the effort and do something that gives them immediate gratification. Many kids give up soon after they start, because they think that the skill will just come easily. This is where parents make the crucial mistake of not wanting to force their kids to practice. Parents can explain that music practice will now be a part of their childs daily routine, just as doing homework is or brushing ones teeth. The gratification will come later, when pieces are played smoothly. There will be days where the practice comes easily, and others where theres frustration, but the long-range view will always take precedence.

There are numerous things that parents can employ to facilitate their childs practice. One is to choose a specific time of the day and stick to it. Do not leave it until the days end, because tiredness will set in, and at that point its too easy to just leave it for tomorrow. Also creating an environment where there were no distractions helps as well. (No TV, radio or computer going, other children playing, etc) The most important component, however, is parent interest. Simple questions or comments, such as: Gee, thats a nice piecewhat is it? Or, Wow, that scale sounds smoothgood job! I made it a point to say something during every practice session to show that I was listening and interested in my sons progress. I was never negative in my comments, but occasionally, if needed, I would suggest that he play a piece or exercise slower. If too much frustration on his part occurred, I wouldnt allow him to simply stop practicing, but would suggest playing something else.

Below are more specific issues with practicing music:

1. The students age: Younger students (6 to 8 years old) need only to practice 15 minutes minimum per day. More than that is of course great, but only if the child shows the desire to do so. Also, the parent may need to sit with the child and actually monitor the childs practice each day, at least until the child shows that they can focus on their own. The important thing is that the child practices over as many days of the week as possible. (At least five days per week)

2. Long-term commitment: For children ten years and older, I think its fair to ask for at least a three or four-month commitment to an instrument. Sometimes a child will want to try a different instrument soon after starting, and this is usually a sign that the child doesnt want to make the effort, and is hoping the next instrument is easier.

3. Recitals: While teachers strongly encourage their students to perform in the bi-annual recitals, and most students do and actually enjoy them, some students are extremely afraid of this, and their participation might actually hinder their progress. That is why we dont demand every students participation. If your child is showing extreme trepidation regarding the recitals, please dont force them, but rather suggest that they observe one, and then theyll see thats its no big deal.

4. Playing music with others: Once a child becomes an intermediate student (usually after one and a half to two years) we strongly encourage an ensemble class to get the student to gain experience playing with others. Please talk to your teacher about the various opportunities that we and others offer in this area.

 

I hope these ideas provide some musical food for thought, and that you derive years of enjoyment observing your childs progress in this amazing and gratifying world of music!

[Michiel]

I always regret that my parents were not a little harder on me when I didn't practice (enough).

 

Just try to make the lessons/teachers as fresh and exciting as possible but it doesn't hurt to push a little.

 

 

[lerber3]

As a kid, I was pressured to continue piano lessons (at least until I got through the middle grades, which were pretty boring). It was more 'reverse psychology' pressure... "if you don't practice x hours/day, we will stop your lessons". It created a fair bit of tension, and I eventually quit due to the 3 hours/day time commitment that was expected of me.

 

My son started out in piano lessons around 7 and lasted about a year before he lost interest (like his older sister and brother). When he was 12 (about 4 years ago) he asked us if he could take lessons again... and we said OK after ignoring him for quite a while under the assumption that he would fizzle out quickly.

 

He completed grade 10 piano with honors last summer and now he's working towards completing an ARCT performer's diploma this summer. We have never bugged him to practice or do his theory homework.

 

Let your daughter do what she wants... but do your best to influence her to want to continue learning to play piano (if that's what you wish for her). Expose her to some great piano music, let her see and meet some great players, talk about music, make lots of music yourself. If she wants it, she will ask to continue and bring some passion to the challenge.

[Cygnus64]

My 12 year old daughter has been taking piano lessons since she was 6. My wife and I have noticed that this year she seems to have lost a lot of interest in the whole affair.

 

I went through that phase around 14 or 15. In addition to the usual problems of being a teen and discovering "girls" , the real problem was that I was bored because my teacher wasn't challenging me. He would accept mediocrity and me being unprepared, he wouldn't give me a reason to practice and the repertoire I was given was not challenging me.

 

The solution: my parents shipped me off to This place, and they kicked my ass. Not only was I surrounded by the best players on earth but I had a teacher who was very, very hard to please. When I came back to normal life, I never had a problem again.

 

I'm sure there is a cheaper solution, maybe either switching teachers or augmenting the current teacher with master classes or something along those lines.

 

Whenever I have a student who is going through that phase, I set up some kind of concert or competition for them. Your daughter's teacher should be doing that. This way, the ball is in the court of the student, they can walk out there and stink up the joint or they can hit the practice room. In the US, there is This thing for competitions, I don't know if there is a Canadian version.

[marino]

Folks, I would love to have been one of those children who were 'forced' to learn music. I kept pestering my parents for two years until they finally gave up, rented a piano, and sent me to piano lessons. It was almost too late - I was 10 or 11 at the time, and I had learned to play all chords and scales by myself, on a little electronic organ.

 

One of my early girlfriends had been forced to play at age six or so, and I could see the difference in the relationship that she has with the keyboard; much more natural than mine. Her hands had really grown up on the instrument.

On the other hand, she always had a strange relationship with music itself.. she tended to identify music with authority and impositions. So I guess forcing children on music is never very healthy.

 

I don't have kids, but if I did, I would certailny encourage them to play music - but probably, I would discourage them from becoming professional musicians. In these times, as I look around, and at my own situation, it's more and more difficult to survive just making music.

 

But I would certainly keep musical instruments laying around the house, and a "musicall" environment and atmosphere - so if a kid gets the music bug and wants to dedicate him/herself to it, the right background is there.

 

 

[iLaw]

Having raised two daughters into music, I could spill a lot of electrons on this subject but I'll just throw in a few observations:

 

- daughters who don't really want to play and don't really want to practice, but also don't really want to quit ... really don't want to be seen to have failed, in their own eyes or in yours;

 

- the applause of others for a piece well played is a huge motivator;

 

- the comraderie of making music with others is a huge motivator;

 

- the self-image of having been singled out as a talented musician is a huge motivator.

 

Larry.

[DanS]

Thanks everyone, this is all very helpful.

[MoodyBluesKeys]

My granddaughter (who lives with us) has been taking piano for about 3.5 years, and has wanted to quit - largely because of her desire not to practice, and probably peer pressure - she wants to learn guitar or maybe bass. I'll be bringing my large bass amp back this week, and might just cut a deal with her that I will work with her on bass IF she continues on keys - oh, yes - she will then need to practice for BOTH. She is 12 1/2 now, school, sports, social activities - they do get busy.

 

 

[bhodaway10]

I had a similar fall out in my freshman year in high school. I had been taking lessons since the age of 5 playing intensive classical music. My last teacher was a professor from Stanford who taught only classical music. It was great musically for me because I was "forced" to play really technically tough music.

 

However, it was for me, BORING.

 

I wanted to play what was on the popular or heck, even on the radio. When my friends came over, I could play Chopin's "minute waltz" but I wanted to play some Green Day!! *lol*

 

Shortly after, my mom found a teacher who was tolerant for non classical music and he even taught me something that I really thought was cool - thoughtful improvisation using blues scales, modes, etc. It opened my eyes and I found my joy for the piano. Eventually, we'd do classical music as well and I enjoyed the classical repertoire more than I ever did.

 

I think that most of the teachers are rooted in classical music which is VERY important for technique. However, show me a 12/13/14 year old kid who listens to classical music!!

 

What kind of music is she playing? What kind of music does she listen to now? Do you think she can relate to hear teacher? Does she like her teacher? There are tons of books out there that might peek her interest. I know you wouldn't mind hearing "party in the USA" on the piano.

 

[NewImprov]

I was pretty much forced to take lessons from first grade until I graduated from High School. For the last 6 years, I had a classical nazi teacher who did her best to squash my burdgeoning interest in jazz and rock. I rebelled against it hugely, even played bass in a punk band. But at this point, I am really glad my parents made me take lessons for all those years, I have a certain level of technique really burned into my hands (not that I couldn't use more!). After 20-ish years of playing bass professionally, I am getting heavily back into keys. It's really frustrating that I can't play the Bach 4-part fugues I was playing in High School anymore, but I am glad for all the technique that did get drilled into my stubborn head.

 

 

[Pale]

I was also forced to take lessons, age 8 to age 14. I even took some beating in the process. I only finished 6 years of musical school, and never aquired much taste for classical music. BUt I did like blues and rock, even since I was 10 years old, and that was what I mostly played (and play now). After age 14 I started playing sax and I joined my first band as a keyboard player. The rest, is as they say, history.

 

Despite being forced music is my life now, I can't imagine living without playing the keys. I can imagine life without classical music though, maybe forced lessons managed to make me hate playing classical music.

[Joe Muscara]

I was going to say much of what bhodaway10 and New&Improv have said. I am assuming she has had years of classical and proper technique, right? If so, those bases can be considered covered for the time being. I would think that some new directions might keep her interested, whether it's playing some of that rock and/or roll music the kids listen to these days, or playing with others, or doing performances if she hasn't already. There are many options.

 

The flip side is, she may be thinking about what she's going to do with her life, or not do, or something like that. I mean, she may not be trying to decide on her life's work, her career, but life is getting more complicated and she may be struggling to fit in the piano at this point. Priorities are changing for her.

 

The good part is, she has a dad who cares and is supportive, so she'll be okay no matter what she decides.

[BlackandWhite]

I've done very little "forcing" of our son to practice music, in any form. The jury's still out, as to whether my passive approach was a mistake. He's now 14, a freshman in HS and active in a sport and the band (sax.) He tolerates band, but doesn't even bring his horn home on weekends.

 

Our house is full of musical instruments - acoustic and electric guitars, A/E bass, mandolin, baby grand and 2 keyboards - yet he shows little interest in any of them. A few weeks back, I "caught" him playing the bass in front of the computer, learning a song off Youtube. I gushed with happiness that he was doing "somthing musical", which has, evidently, led to his total abstention since.

 

Reading some of your posts about wishing your parents had pushed you more is a reminder that I may be blowing it...

[clpete]

It would be a shame to see her drop now. Force her nostrongly persuade yes. She will get a lot more out of it if she agrees with continuing.

 

I got to agree with bhodaway. When I was about 12 my piano teacher started to assign pop/rock, improvisation and chord inversions to me. She also pulled out some albums with cool classical she had including Switched on Bach, Stand Up, Tomitas Snowflakes and ELPs Pictures at and Exhibition. She kept my interest in lessons until I was about 17.

 

The right teacher can make a lasting impression. Mine did.

 

[iLaw]

Reading some of your posts about wishing your parents had pushed you more is a reminder that I may be blowing it...

Please don't think like that. Your son gets to pick his own path. For all you know he could turn out to be the greatest ski jumper of the 21st century. If so, won't you feel pretty guilty about all the time you made him waste at the piano?

 

Your job is to hand him his skis and help him up when he falls.

 

... and drive him to the hill for at least two more years.

 

Larry.

[ProfD]

My parents always supported and encouraged my growth as a musician. It was never a forced issue. I was able to pursue it on my own terms.

 

DanS, continue to invest and support your daughter with no expectations. It may or may not become her passion. Take comfort having exposed her to music.

[Michiel]

Pretty interesting input. I have two daughters 10 months and 2,5 years. I'll bookmark this one for the coming years :-)

[DanS]

Alright, I think I've made up my mind....thanks to all who took the time. Great advice.

 

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y193/Bluntinst/ValeriePianoRecital2005.jpg

[David Loving]

I had to take piano, too. I would have an open mind if my kid (they're all grown - none are musicians) had this issue. I tend toward letting them be kids. She might get interested in band later on and learn another instrument. You don't want to create an investment in what you want her to be interested in (like my father did); just support her in her interests. Is that her picture? She's a doll!

[iLaw]

There is an enormous difference between "forcing your kids to play" and creating an environment that encourages them to play. One of essential elements in a Suzuki program, for example, is that the parents play right along with the kids. My guess is that the single biggest determinant for a child's success in music (or tennis or pretty much anything else) is the degree to which the parents are actively and enthusiastically involved.

 

Larry.

 

[DanS]

One of essential elements in a Suzuki program, for example, is that the parents play right along with the kids. My guess is that the single biggest determinant for a child's success in music (or tennis or pretty much anything else) is the degree to which the parents are actively and enthusiastically involved.

 

Larry.

 

Interesting. Up until a year or so ago, we used to do this fairly regularly, and had a lot of fun playing together. I'd over-emphasize certain things, play certain bits double time, she always got a kick out of it.

Might be time to get back to the egg.

[Jim Alfredson]

Might be worth trying to find out what her motivation for continuing lessons is.

 

I am self taught on keyboards but I was in band in middle and high school, playing alto sax. The only reason I did it is because my mom loved marching band when she was in school and she wanted me to be in marching band. So I did it for her because it made her happy. I hated it. I liked the sax, but the music in public school band class is horrible (or at least it was). And I think marching bands require a ton of work for something that is, quite frankly, pretty lame.

 

Anyway, we moved before my junior year of high school so I decided that would be a good time to quit band. I joined choir my senior year and had a great time, participating in choirs all through college as well. Much more satisfying (for me).

 

As far as keyboards go, I just always gravitated to them and spent most of my free time under headphones writing songs as a teenager.

 

My kids are young (oldest is five) and I've been trying to determine if they are interested in music. My middle daughter, who is almost two, runs to the piano any time I sit down. She loves it. She also loves the drums. So maybe she'll get interested.