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Jazz The Prince Returns


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My Dear American Friends, this is your friend Prince Ndugood of Nigeria writing to thank you for your many appreciations of my emails and your much kind words. I am overjoyed with gladness to bring you the news that I have been invited to your country for a celebration of jazz and world music at the Obama White House. My village's touring band, Dark Incontinent, will be playing the jazz of music for your new president. The band is also learning the American traditional song "Hell To The Chief" , to play for the president. (I had thought that Mr. Obama was merely your president, but apparently he is a chief as well! What a truly great man!)

I will be leaving soon for your country. I am still filling out the secret service clearance form for jazz musicians (Q. Are you now or have you ever been a member of an organization the advocated the violent overthrow of diatonic harmony? Q. Have you visited the middle-east or played in the Phrygian mode during the past 12 months. Q. Do you have a license to carry a concealed animal?).

I hope that you will be able to attend the musical performance. The band will be playing many of the great presidential jazz tunes:


--This Mass Parade (inauguration theme)

--I Loves You Putin

--Kim Jong il Wind

--Ain't Misappropriatin'

--Stars Fell Upon Obama

--Impeachable You

--(Senate) Confirmation

--Goodbye Porkbarrel Hat

--I Could Write A Bill

--I Remember Clark Clifford

--My Little Vote

--Mr. P.C.

--And a couple of Nigerian jazz standards: Nancy With the Hyena Face

Tse Tse Bon

(from the album As Victoria Falls, So Falls Victoria Falls).


The band will also be performing special tunes for the President's cabinet members, such as:

Secretary of Defense: Dear Old Stockpile

Secretary of the Treasury: Mounting Greenery, When I Fall In Debt

FBI Director: I've Got You Under Surveillance

Budget Director: Just Squeeze Me

Secretary of State (Hillary Clinton): Wedding Bill Blues

EPA Director: How Deep Is the Ozone



As you can see this will be a wonderful occasion. There is only one obstacle to my appearance at the ceremony. I will need to quickly raise $132,050 for my airfare. I am sorry to have to ask you for this money but I have been a victim of the recent worldwide financial plunge, particularly the collapse of the market for sub-saharan mortgages. I have also been foolishly generous with my contributions to Nigeria's "No Primate Left Behind" educational program.

But do not fear, your contributions will be rewarded by the Obama White House with benefits for the following contribution levels:


$20,000-- You will be appointed Neuro-surgeon General.

$15,000--You will be appointed Gastro-enterologist General.

$10,000-- You will be appointed Coroner General.

$9,000-- You will be appointed Surgeon Corporal.

$8,000-- You will get to name the first family's next dog (names limited to former black US presidents and Motown singers).

$1,000-- You will receive a presidential pardon for all video store late fees.

$500-- You will have someone from NASA replace your amplifier tubes.

$200-- You will have a brick with your name on it placed in a White House toilet tank.

$100--You will have a US aircraft carrier deck skid mark named after you.

$50-- One of the gibbons at the National Zoo will wear a trucker's hat with your name on it.

$20-- Receive a set of Crayolas with all of the federal terrorist alert colors.


Finally, all donors will receive a transcript of the actual secret service agents' sleeve-cuff microphone conversations from the Obama inauguration (Samples: "Give me more of the president in the monitor"..."roll off some of the high end"..."are we on overtime yet?"..."Quick! Get me a satellite-cam view. I think the First Fly is open").


It is with the deepest sincerity that I express in advance my appreciation for your great kindness and credulity. Your erstwhile Nigerian friend, Ndugood.



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