Take It To The Grave -just a listen and review, thanks

[Patient Dreams]

Theres times when you think youve just had enough. Songs just a descriptive feeling. Give a listen and drop a line if you want. Any feedback is appreciated.

 

Take It To The Grave

@ Lyneva Starbuck 10-21-07

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=664080

 

Your eyes tell a story

Your lips may never say

You can only hide the truth so long

Itll come back for you one day

 

Youre looking on the outside

As another page is turned

Still you search for the next best thing

With all the paths you burn

 

So you can take it to the grave

All the things you can never say

Were no one could ever hear

All your thoughts now coming true

With so much you want to do

The time has past away, so now, your can take it to the grave

 

Youll hear the words Ill say

And go on with no blame

Youll live your lies, and die with truth

Without feeling any shame

 

Youre looking on the outside

As another page is turned

Still you search for the next best thing

With all the paths you burn

 

So you can take it to the grave

All the things you can never say

Were no one could ever hear

All your thoughts now coming true

With so much you want to do

The time has past away, so now, your can take it to the grave

 

Thanks for the read. Give a listen

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=664080

 

[Eric VB]

Ok, the title is "Take It To The Grave", a phrase pretty much everyone (in the US, at least) has heard. The idea is pretty clear: eventually we die and, for those that choose not to act, leave a lot of things left unsaid and undone. Ok, fair enough.

 

I'd like to see some sort of spin on the song idea, though. Tim McGraw released "Live Like You Were Dying" in 2004. Notice how this song takes a storyteller perspective and becomes a conversation between "I" and "he" and draws the listener in. With "Take It To The Grave" the listener isn't given a choice; he or she must be the "you" that leaves things undone instead of empathizing with the characters in a story. (The TV series "MASH" was able to pull this off in one episode which was filmed from a patient's point of view, so it can be done.)

 

As far as content, I think the lyrics are trying to say too much; trying to paint too broad a stroke. It's a generalization instead of a specific instance. Tell me a heartbreaking story about a girl that dies tragically before she can tell someone close to her she loves him/her. Or about the boy that puts off a football scholarship to serve his country and dies in battle. I think these topics will carry more emotional weight than a blanket statement of, "if you don't do it now you can take it to the grave". If I don't do what?

 

Of course you offer that this is "just a descriptive feeling", so maybe it's not supposed to be so "heavy". That's fine. Not all pop/rock is supposed to be. Of course it's a lot easier when you're The Beatles and you're singing yet another love song.

 

Song structure is fine. I think this song needs more than just a bridge, so its absence is of no consequence.

 

Last note on the lyrics: there are spelling and grammatical errors. You should really strive to eliminate these as they can really make you look like an amateur. Spell check is not going to know that "were" is used instead of "where", "your" instead of "you" and "past" instead of "passed".

 

And please realize that I am being somewhat hard on the lyracist because there are so many things done well. A good, talented writer, for sure, but one that could be better. Keep writing, write about personal experiences or things that have deep, personal meaning. Engage the listener. (Maybe pick up a book on songwriting to hear it more thoroughly from the experts.)

 

For the music I got an odd sensation of a mixture of Bon Jovi and Garth Brooks. Just an observation. The dark, minor feel suits the lyrics just fine.

 

The way the lyrics are layed out it could be interpreted as VVCVVC, as recorded, or, if you notice the 2nd and 4th verses are identical, it could be VPCVPC. (Here V=verse, C=chorus and P=prechorus.) I think using a prechorus would give the song more variety, especially considering the lack of a bridge.

 

The chord structure is functional. Not sure if it was written around the melody or not; I'd guess the melody was written first. I enjoyed the turn around at the end of the chorus that leads to the dominant; nicely done.

 

The melody could use some work. There are some issues with how some of the lyrics are phrased, e.g. "It'll come back for you one day" might do better as "It'll come back for you one day". (Closer to natural speech inflection.) Also, I'm not convinced that the melody accentuates the (lyrical) climactic points in the song. (I understand the limitations with the vocals here, but I worry that even a very good singer could make the chorus convincing with the given melody.)

 

I'm not a fan of the intro/outro. I think the picked guitar chords alone, as in the outro, would do fine for the intro. For the outro I like the idea of an ending reminiscent of a heart that stops beating. (The song may as well "die" at the end, too, as the subject is somewhat macabre.) You can leave the guitar in the outro if you like, but there needs to be a rhythmic pulse (from the rhythm section) that comes to a definite halt. It doesn't have to be a "thumpthump thumpthump" literal heartbeat, and would probably be more interesting if it weren't.

 

As a side note the guitar work was pretty good, the bass was just ok to lacking, and I really didn't care for the drums. (Trust me, I know how hard it is for someone who is not primarily a drummer to make MIDI drums sound good!) I would have preferred a more sing-songy, hauntingly melodic guitar solo instead of the noodly, shreddy one. Where are the leads in the rest of the song? The overall production seems fine but that reverby effect on the first verse needs to go. IMO there needs to be something -- ghostly BGVs or lead guitar or something -- to help the chorus. Try something spooky after "W[h]ere no one could ever hear" to hear what I mean. I think it wouldn't hurt at all if you were to collaborate with a bassist, drummer and singer. Sometimes it's just a matter of getting another perspective that helps.

 

Again, this is already much better than a lot of stuff out there on the internet looking for reviews. Don't take what I've said too hard or too personally. Remember, it is just one person's opinion. That and $3+ will buy you a gallon of gas. If you have a local songwriters association you may both want to join so you can get feedback and interact with other songwriters in your area. Personally I haven't had much luck with their internet counterparts.

 

Keep writing and best of luck.

[Patient Dreams]

Ric, thats got to be one of the most dicriptive and useful reviews I have ever received. I am a prechorus fan cause of the fact that latelly we have been bringing the chorus melody closer to the verse melody in at least chord structure, and I really have'nt had anything that became exciting at the chorus without having to apply a pre chorus to create the flow that I need to hear. Nice idea on the heart beat thingy. I'll give it a shot. As far a vocals well lets just say we need a vocalist. Thanks again for the review and we will be picking your ideas apart to see what they do.

[nursers]

Mr RicBassGuy is indeed on hell of a reviewer :thu:

[Patient Dreams]

Works for me.