#968461 - 05/22/00 10:57 PM
Production...uh...techniques
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Fletcher
Platinum Member
Registered: 05/22/00
Posts: 1411
Loc: Foxboro,MA,UNITED STATES
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Seeing as how this has made the rounds a few times, I'm sure some people have seen it...if not...it's one of my favorites, thought I'd share. I don't know who came up with it originally...who ever it was, I owe them a beer.
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HOW TO PRODUCE YOUR NEXT RECORD
First, spend about a month on "pre-production", making sure that everything
a completely planned out so that no spontaneity is necessary or possible in
the studio. If there are no "hits" there, make the band collaborate with
outside songwriters. Line up extra studio musicians who are better players
than the band themselves, just in case.
Next, book the most expensive studio you can find so that everyone but the
band gets paid lots of money. The more expensive, the more the record label
will take the project seriously, which is important. Book lots and lots of
time. You'll need at least 48 tracks to accommodate all the room mics you'll
set up for the drums, all of which will be buried by other instruments later
anyway, and for the added keyboard tracks, even if the band has never had a
keyboard player. And for all the backing vocal tracks, even if the band only
has one singer. Then, record all the instruments one at a time, but make the
drummer play to a click track for every song so the music has no chance to
breathe whatsoever. That way you can use lots of MIDI gear. Do multiple
takes of each song. Use up at least 50 reels of 2-inch tape. Take the best
parts of each take and splice them all together. You should use a hard-disk
recording system like Pro Tools, then transfer it all back to analog
two-inch.
Spend at least two weeks just compiling drum tracks like this. You'll need
to rent at least a half a dozen snare drums, and you'll have to change drum
heads every couple hours. If you really do it right, the entire band will
never have to actually play a song together.
Now, start overdubbing each instrument, one at a time. Make sure everything
is perfect. If necessary, do things over and over until absolute perfection
is achieved. Do a hundred takes if you must. If this doesn't work, get
"guest musicians" in to "help out". Don't forget to hire someone who's good
with samples and loops so the kids will think its hip! Just to be safe,
better get some turntable scratching on there too. Be sure to spend days and
days just experimenting with sounds, different amplifiers, guitars, mics,
speakers, basically trying every possible option you can think of to use up
all that studio time you've booked. No matter how much time you book, you
can use it up this way easily.
Everyone involved will think they're working very hard. Make sure you rent
lots of expensive mics and expensive compressors and expensive preamps so
you can convince yourself and everyone else how good it's sounding. Charge
it to the band's recording budget of course. Make sure you have at least two
or three compressors IN SERIES on everything you're recording. Any equipment
with tubes in it is a sure bet, the older the better.
The best is early-1970s-era Neve equipment, old Ampex analog recorders, and
WW2-vintage tube microphones, since everyone knows that the technology of
recording has continuously declined for the past 30+ years. Don't forget to
get some old "ribbon" mics too. Make sure that by the time it's finished
everyone is absolutely, totally sick of all the songs and never wants to
hear any of them again. Oops!
Now it's time to mix it! Better get someone with "fresh ears" (who's never
heard any of it before) to mix it in a $2500/day SSL room with full
automation. Make sure he's pretty famous, and of course you have to fly to
LA, Miami, NYC or Nashville to do this, because there simply are no decent studios
anywhere else. Make sure he compresses the hell out of everything as he
mixes it. Compress each drum individually and then compress an overall
stereo submix of 'em. Make sure to compress all the electric guitars even
though a distorting guitar amp is the most extreme "compressor" in
existence. Compress everything else, and then compress the overall mix. Add
tons and tons of reverb to the drums on top of all those room mics, and add
stereo chorus on everything else. Spare no expense. Spend at least two weeks
on it.
Then take it home and decide to pay for someone else to remix the whole
thing. Then get some L.A. coke-head mastering engineer to master it, and
make sure he compresses the hell out of everything again and takes away the
low end and makes it super bright and crispy and harsh so it'll sound really
LOUD on the radio. (Too bad about all those people with nice home stereos)
Oh-oh! Your A+R guy just got fired! Looks like the record will never be
released!
--
Fletcher
Mercenary Audio
_________________________
Fletcher Mercenary Audio Roscoe Ambel once said: Pro-Tools is to audio what fluorescent is to light
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#968462 - 05/23/00 02:50 AM
Re: Production...uh...techniques
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alphajerk
MP Hall of Fame Member
Registered: 03/06/00
Posts: 7950
Loc: asheville nc usa
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dammit, ive been doing it all wrong. thanks for the info. ill make sure to not let my bands play together anymore. in fact, i think live im going to have them play to a copy of the record so they can do a cool dance routine without messing up what the song sounds like or any of their parts.
_________________________
alphajerk FATcompilation "if god is truly just, i tremble for the fate of my country" -thomas jefferson
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#968463 - 05/23/00 11:43 AM
Re: Production...uh...techniques
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THE MIX FIX
Platinum Member
Registered: 03/01/00
Posts: 1552
Loc: NYC Area
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Fletcher:
That can't be right!!
What about the Hotels, Food bills, and Car rentals?
How about the booze, drugs, and whores, er, Female friends?
No expensive photo shoots and Pyrotechnic videos?
NO WONDER the A&R person got fired!!
Jeez, you make it sound unglamorous!!
Do some Hip Hop, then the whole "Crew" gets in on the deal, and you can use all the money to make sure the "grit", distortion, and noise goes through all those expensive pieces of outboard gear.
Plus, you get a budget just for guns, furs, and "systems" to put in your Explorer!!
------------------
Bob.
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