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#965716 - 07/03/01 05:42 PM

How Jazz Works: Your Laff for the Day

Anderton
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Registered: 01/28/00
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(This was forwarded to me from Al Hospers, formerly with Blood, Sweat, and Tears, and one of the main forces at Dr. T's Music Software during its existence)

HOW JAZZ WORKS

List of Characters:

Piano:
Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied
theory, harmony and composition in college. Most are
riddled with self-doubt. They are usually bald. They should
have big hands, but often don't. They were social rejects
as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play with toy soldiers.
Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with singers. If you talk to
the piano player during a break, he will condescend.

Bass:
Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to
terms with their limitations by playing simple lines and
rarely soloing. During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his
strings hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with paws
for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the
bassist during a break, you will not be able to tell whether or not
he's listening.

Drums:
Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are
always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the
most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the many
jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren't really
musicians. Pianists are particularly successful at making drummers feel bad.
Most drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play louder.
If you decide to talk to the drummer during a break, always be careful not
to sneak up on him.

Saxophone:
Saxophonists think they are the most important players on
stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all
the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane
and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half way
through and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but audibly while
other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with
their instruments, forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a
saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds.

Trumpet:
Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They are often
former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very attractive to women,
despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many of them sing; misguided
critics then compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending
whether they're black or white.
Arrive at the session early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet
game. The rules are: play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the
one who plays loudest and highest.
If you talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might confess that his
favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high
trumpeting.

Guitar:
Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be rock
stars, but they're old and overweight. In protest, they wear their hair
long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists hate
piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up
for it by playing as fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the
higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the
trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the saxophonist's
universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on
stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best
reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles to suppress
a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during the break he'll ask intimate
questions about your 14-year-old sister.

Vocals:
Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are
placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for suffering. They are not
of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously. Example: A young woman is
playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day, a misguided campus
newspaper critic describes her singing as "...jazzy." Voila! A star is born!
Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine," "Summertime," and "Route 66." Her
training complete, she embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians
flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the
full fury of the jazz universe.
The vocalist will try to seduce you--and the rest of the audience-- by
making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between
tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, make your distaste obvious.
Otherwise the musicians will avoid you
during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during a break,
she will introduce you to her "manager."

Trombone:
The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality.
"Listen," it seems to say in the male tenor range, "Why won't anybody hire
me for a gig?" Trombonists like to play fast, because their! notes become
indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism.
Most trombonists played trumpet in their early years, then decided they
didn't want to walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now
they hate trumpet players, who somehow get all the women despite this
disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces.
They don't eat much. They have to be very
friendly, because nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist
during a break and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or
offer to mow your lawn.

Picking the Tune
Every time a tune ends, someone has to pick a new one. That's a fundamental
concept that, unfortunately, runs at odds with jazz group processes. Tune
selection makes a huge difference to the musicians. They love to show off on
tunes that feel comfortable, and they tremble at the threat of the unknown.
But to pick a tune is to invite close scrutiny: "So this is how you sound at
your best. Hmm..." It's a complex issue with unpredictable outcomes.
Sometimes no one wants to pick a tune, and sometimes everyone wants to pick
a tune. The resulting disagreements lead to faction-building and _ under
extreme conditions _ even impromptu elections. The politics of tune
selection makes for some of the session's best entertainment.

Example 1: No one wants to pick a tune
(previous tune ends)
silence)
trumpet player: "What the f#@*? Is someone gonna to pick a tune?"
(silence)
trumpet player: "This s%!* is lame. I'm outa here." (Storms out of room,
forgetting to pay tab).
Rest of band (in unison): "Yes!!!"
(Band takes extended break, puts drinks on trumpet player's tab).

Example 2: Everyone wants to pick a tune, resulting in impromptu election
and eventual tune selection
(previous tune ends)
(pianist and guitarist simultaneously):
"Beautiful Love!"/"Donna Lee!"
Guitarist to pianist: "You just want to play your fat, stupid
ten-note chords!"
Pianist to guitarist: "You just want to play a lot of notes
really fast!"
Saxophonist: "'Giant Steps'."
(a treacherous Coltrane tune practiced obsessively by
saxophonists.)
Guitarist and pianist (together): "Go ahead, asshole."
Trumpet player: "This shit is lame. 'Night in Tunisia'."
(a Dizzy Gillespie tune offering bounteous opportunities for
loud, high playing.)
saxophonist: "Sorry, forgot my earplugs, Maynard."
(long, awkward silence)
Pianist, guitarist, saxophonist, trumpet player all turn to
drummer:
"Your turn, Skinhead."
(drummer pauses to think of hardest possible tune; a time-tested drummer
ploy to punish real musicians who play actual notes.)
Drummer: "Stablemates."
Trumpet player: F#@* this! I'm outta here." (Storms out of room. Bartender
chases after him.)
("Stablemates")
Trombonist: "Did someone forget to turn off the CD player?"

Not only are these disagreements fun to watch; they create
tensions that will last all through the night.

(As an educated audience member, you might want to keep a flow chart
diagramming the shifting alliances. You can also keep statistics on
individual tune-calling. Under no circumstances, though, should you take
sides or yell out song titles. Things are complicated enough already.)

_________________________
Craig Anderton
*check out my podcast at www.cyberears.com