RicBassGuy
MP Hall of Fame Member
Registered: 02/02/05
Posts: 3651
Loc: Metro Detroit, MI
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Davor!
Ok, first off, I know it isn't easy to share our songs/poetry with people we don't know. It takes a bit of courage.
Secondly, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing English isn't your primary language? I can barely speak a second language, let alone try to write something passionate and deeply emotional in it.
Thirdly, what style of music do you hear these words being set to? It could be a slow ballad of some sort, a sub-genre of metal, or something else?
Ok, when I read the title it reminded me of Aerosmith's "Remember (Walking In The Sand)". The sentiment is quite different, though. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I like the way Aerosmith builds the emotion slowly in the chorus (or is it a prechorus?) up to "softly we met with a kiss".
Personally, I'd like to hear that in your chorus, too, although I recognize in some genres it's perfectly fine to just be more direct. Instead of repeating the same line twice, why not try two similar lines? Also, try adding more sensations to help paint a mental picture for your listeners. (You do this pretty well in Verse 1.) I'd suggest something along these lines:
I still remember I still can see
your smile your beauty looking at me
I still remember I still can hear
your voice your laughter all so dear
The way you move and how sweet you smell
your warm embrace and the secrets we'd tell
I still remember I still recall
your lips your body I know it all
Ok, obviously that needs some revision. But I'd do something along those lines to try to make the chorus maybe a little more interesting. For most songs, the lyrical hook is in the chorus.
The verses fill in the rest of the story. You do a pretty good job of setting the stage in the first verse, with a little foreshadowing of what is to come. The second verse reveals what happened. The third verse puts some of the imagery from the first verse in the new context. Not bad!
Now, is this a true-life story? It doesn't quite ring true to me; it seems made up (contrived). The story moves from a "first date" to the death of one lover rather quickly. The surviving lover can't let go of his lost love "‘cause we were the team". [To me, this is a little weak. If you want to avoid the cliches of "soulmates", "two hearts that beat as one", "less of a man without you", etc., that's fine. "We're a team" should appear in the first verse during the "happy" time together to give it more emotional weight in the second verse.]
In the last verse, it's fine that the departed lover is in the stars, but it makes no sense that the living, breathing lover is also in the heavens; he's still here on earth! And then time stops for the survivor, "like everything’s postponed". [Again, this doesn't do it for me. The cliche is that he "can't move on" without his lost lover. "I can't quit you babe." Or he's so bereft he is without feeling (numb), and just wanders around aimlessly without any purpose.]
Just so you know, one line in verse 2 has awkward English usage. Here are some suggestions (although they don't fit the same rhythm):
You will be there in every one of my dreams
You will be there in all of my dreams
Hold on ... just reverse two words and it works:
You will be there in my every dream
Now, overall this is a sad song, no? Some may say it is in fact depressing. Not that I know much about the genre, but maybe this is fine for something like screamo. In other styles, people like to see a ray of hope, a happy ending, a glimpse at the human spirit that can lift a man up after being utterly crushed.
A country song can usually tell its story in just three verses. As it is, your song almost splits the middle verse into verse 2 and verse 3; not a problem. Maybe you could add a fourth verse that shows how the surviving lover is able to overcome this tragedy, at least in some small way. He can continue to pine for his lost love -- maybe he keeps a lock of her hair under his pillow at night (another cliche) -- but somehow he's able to pull himself up and move on.
Right. The title. It conveys the subject of the song/poem. I might try for something a little stronger: "Can't Go On Without You", "All That's Left To Love (Is A Memory)", etc. I mean, I just went to my 20-year reunion; I could just as easily say "I still remember you" to a former classmate that I have very little emotional attachment to.
And while I'm at it, the combination of the title and the chorus might leave listeners -- especially women -- a little miffed. You lost the love of your life, and what you remember most about her is purely physical (her body) and nothing about the person/soul inhabiting the body. (Even more odd because you keep calling her "angel".) This is akin to not knowing the color of your girlfriend's eyes because you're too busy looking at her chest! What's her favorite color? What does she like to do? Well, you get the picture.
Davor, this is a good first attempt. There are a lot of things you've done well. Don't let the negative tone of my critique discourage you. Especially if there is a language barrier, what you've written is much more than I could ever do.
My advice is to start this song over. Listen to lots of songs to hear how successful songwriters write. Read books on songwriting to learn some tips. What is the essence of the story you are trying to tell? (If this is purely fictitious, I'd suggest losing the girl in a less dramatic fashion than death.) What emotions are you trying to share? If you could sum up all that emotion in one short phrase, what would it be? Plan how you're going to deliver your story and emotions (verse, chorus, etc.). Use that as a framework and fill in the details.
Anyway, that's just my opinion. Since I haven't written any #1 songs yet myself, take my advice with a grain of sand. I hope you continue to work on your art!
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