#518210 - 11/13/05 06:19 AM
song for my honey
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KeyboardPunk
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Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 19
Loc: Indiana
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Hey all you creative writers. Most of my songs have been big hits with my northwest Indiana fans. I'm in a small band called Rage. We sing about love, life, and most of all REALITY. Anyway, for a present I want to write a song just for my boyfriend/fiance who is in the band as well. I recently wrote him a poem and want to turn it into a song.
Here it is:
She sits alone
And stares down at her ring
She wants him here
To share everything
He's miles away
She thinks of his smile
He thinks of her laugh
They've struggled enough
At least by half
She's tired of tears
He's tired of fears
The road is long
So they'll stay strong
In the end
They will see
Thier love is stronger
than an army
Pretty huh......Anyway any hints PLEASE WRITE
P.s. My poem has been copywrited so don't try!! (Not that anyone here would but you never know!)
-Me
_________________________
Music.Love.Dance.
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#518211 - 11/13/05 10:52 AM
Re: song for my honey
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RicBassGuy
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Registered: 02/02/05
Posts: 3762
Loc: Metro Detroit, MI
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Nice poem, KbP!  Good to hear things are working well with your band, too.
The very last word seemed like an odd choice for a "missing you" song; all these words of love and then end with a hint at war. I read it again and put "he's miles away" with the last line. Is your fiance in the military and currently stationed somewhere else? (Seems unlikely if he's in your band, but could be.) Anyway, just trying to understand your poem better, but then again I can be pretty thick when it comes to "getting" lyrics.
There's basically 4 stanzas in there, right? With one line dangling between the first two stanzas? (Don't worry about that for now.) You could make 4 short verses out of them. Does any one of the stanzas stand out as a candidate for a chorus? (It doesn't have to conform to standard verse/chorus structure, but it may go over better with an audience that way.) If I had to pick one, I'd say the last stanza would make a nice chorus.
Then there's always the sticky point of the bridge. I'd say either of the two middle stanzas could be used for the bridge, if you want to go that way.
So now you've got something like:
Verse1: "She sits alone..."
Chorus: "In the end..."
Bridge: "He's miles away..."
Verse2: "She's tired of tears..."
Chorus: "In the end..."
And the bridge can handle that extra line without any problem. The lyrics here have a slightly different emotional feel to me than the two verses, which seem better matched IMO.
Of course, I hear it in my head as a slow ballad, maybe even a power ballad. But it really depends on what style of music you want. It would work equally well as a fast punk song, IMO.
More importantly, what do you think?
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#518212 - 11/15/05 07:37 PM
Re: song for my honey
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RicBassGuy
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Posts: 3762
Loc: Metro Detroit, MI
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Oh, maybe I missed the point? Are you just looking for music to set the words to?
Evidently "verse verse verse verse" is an acceptable song structure, too. No need rearranging things if you don't want to.
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#518213 - 11/16/05 08:48 AM
Re: song for my honey
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Hugo H
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Registered: 12/17/04
Posts: 124
Loc: Georgia, USA
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KP,
What musical style do you have in mind for your poem?
-H
_________________________
Kawai GS-40 grand & other keys
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#518214 - 11/18/05 09:45 AM
Re: song for my honey
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KeyboardPunk
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Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 19
Loc: Indiana
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Thanks RicBassGuy,
You got it the first time. I neede a way to turn the poem into lyrics. since yours is the only advice i got i'll try your idea and see how it works out. -k-
Thanx
P.S. Do you have a band?
-KP
_________________________
Music.Love.Dance.
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#518215 - 11/18/05 02:03 PM
Re: song for my honey
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RicBassGuy
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Posts: 3762
Loc: Metro Detroit, MI
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Originally posted by KeyboardPunk:
Thanks RicBassGuy,
You got it the first time. I neede a way to turn the poem into lyrics. since yours is the only advice i got i'll try your idea and see how it works out. -k-
Thanx
P.S. Do you have a band?
-KP
Do I have a band? I like to say I'm "in between bands" at the moment.  The original band I was in for nearly 20 years that never went anywhere finally disbanded more than a year ago now. I recorded 2 CDs with them, and 1 EP CD with them in collaboration with another songwriter. So I do have something, but not much, to show for those 2 decades.
After working on some solo material -- I have at least 20 songs I wrote over the years that have never been recorded and writing more daily -- I decided to look for a new band to join. Currently I'm in a startup prog rock band that doesn't look like it's really going anywhere, missing members, so it might have a short life. (I don't have another 20 years of my life to waste.) :rolleyes: I'm also auditioning for working bands, although I've yet to find the right fit.
(Sorry, as you get older you tend to ramble on aimlessly. Am I in a band? No, not one you could listen to.)
And that is why I am so happy for you that your band is doing well, and that you're enjoying it. Being able to share that with your sig. other is even better.
Would you keep us updated on your band over on the band forum? That'd be great! Oh, and let us know here how your song turns out, too! 
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#518216 - 11/26/05 02:32 PM
Re: song for my honey
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KeyboardPunk
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Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 19
Loc: Indiana
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I never answered your Q: no, my man is not in service, but our lives have been endless uphill battles, so we kind of think of each other as armies of one...ya know....anyway, I will post some stuff on band talk. Right now I'm working on the poem(wanna be song...lol) and it's got a kind of vibe were you get a sence of how strong we are as one in only 3 mins....can't beat that...lol. Anyway, I'll keep you posted.
Friend?
-KP
_________________________
Music.Love.Dance.
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#518217 - 01/23/06 03:42 PM
Re: song for my honey
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RicBassGuy
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Posts: 3762
Loc: Metro Detroit, MI
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*bump* Any progress on this one, KbP?
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#518218 - 02/04/06 08:11 AM
Re: song for my honey
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Trucks
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Registered: 02/04/06
Posts: 5734
Loc: the united britain great kingd...
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Bit late, but i'm in a rut so i thought id use your poem as a base. I might have done something loosely based around this
I sit alone, staring at the ring
He should be here, to share everything
All thats left, all i can say
An empty feeling
Empty feeling
He's miles away, but the smiles stay
The laughs and crys, of yesterday
We struggled enough, at least by half
Just to be here
Just to laugh
Tired of tears and sick of fears
Roads seems long, and never steers
But we'll stay striong, through to the end
My rock.. my saviour
My only friend
_________________________
"do I see a vacuum there, or am I b-goin' blind.."
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#518219 - 02/05/06 10:52 AM
Re: song for my honey
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RicBassGuy
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Registered: 02/02/05
Posts: 3762
Loc: Metro Detroit, MI
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Nice take, lee83! And welcome to Songwriting and Composition!
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#518220 - 02/13/06 04:54 AM
Re: song for my honey
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Trucks
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Registered: 02/04/06
Posts: 5734
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Hi Ric! Thanks
_________________________
"do I see a vacuum there, or am I b-goin' blind.."
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#518221 - 02/19/06 12:22 AM
Re: song for my honey
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KeyboardPunk
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Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 19
Loc: Indiana
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Great Job lee83!! I love it...but unfortunately we hit a rock in the road and we're no longer together....but hey that doesn't mean i can't turn it into a great song NEways right?...
Thanks bunches lee83!!.....(and Ric)
_________________________
Music.Love.Dance.
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