#513030 - 03/23/02 04:26 AM
Raw Songwriting Sessions
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Dan Worley
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Okay, I'll start it off.
I just finished this yesterday. There's no production in this except for some reverb and some overdubbed harmonies I needed to put down in order to get the idea across to the orchestrator. It even has some bad distortion in it because I had to engineer myself and I couldn't see where the levels were while I was recording. Plus, you get to listen to my horrible piano playing.
My writing partner and I wrote this song for a musical. The musical is about five terminally ill teenagers (18 years-old) who volunteer to live the last months of their lives at a research center in hopes of finding a cure for their mysterious, painful and deadly disease.
The opening song deals with the group of kids before them who are close to death, and the female doctor who is in charge of the clinic. After this scene you don't ever see these kids again. I won't go into too much detail, but we needed to write a song that showed the hopelessness of the doctor and the thoughts of the kids as they waited for the inevitable. Tell me if it works.
Remember, this is for a stage musical, pop/rock criteria doesn't apply. Also, I sing all the parts on the recording (sorry), but in reality it switches to different characters. I've pasted the lyrics below.
The song is about eight minutes long and so the MP3 file is 7.3MB.
Regards,
Dan Worley
_________________________
Act 1 - Opening Song
DOCTOR CHRISTINE CAREY:
The sound of your voice, the beat of your heart--
Life's own serenade. I watch them fade away from you.
As hard as I try, as long as you wait,
The myst'ry still remains. Our search has been in vain for a cure.
PAIN BOY:
Carry me across the river. I wanna leave this pain behind.
Bury me across the river. I'll take a chance on what I'll find.
Awwaah!
Awwaah!
You can keep your years of hours. Stroll through life and feel so free.
I can't take another minute. The time I have left is hell to me.
Awwaah!
Awwaah!
HEAVEN GIRL:
I can tell my time is near. Will I worry or have no fear?
I have done the best I could, Been forgiven and lived for Good.
I know I'll be in heaven. I'll be right there in Heaven.
Loved ones I must leave behind, Don't you cry for me; I don't mind.
I have wept and laughed with you. Now I'm going to somewhere new.
I will see you in Heaven. I'll be waiting in Heaven.
I'll be right there in Heaven, Heaven.
LIVIN' BOY:
I plan on livin' for a long, long time.
I'm not givin' up. I'm not givin' up.
That shadow man ain't no friend of mine.
I'm not givin' up. I'm not givin' up.
-- repeat four times --
(on three add pain awwwhhhhs)
(on four add Pain Boy's first verse)
ALL
I'll be right there in Heaven, Heaven.
DOCTOR CHRISTINE CAREY:
The sound of your voice, the beat of your heart--
Life's own serenade. I watch them fade away from you...
_________________________
Words and music by Dan Worley and Carolyn Wing Greenlee
c copyright 2002 Dan Worley and Carolyn Wing Greenlee
_________________________
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#513031 - 03/23/02 04:34 AM
Re: Raw Songwriting Sessions
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Tedster
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Registered: 09/21/00
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Is "Dr. Christine Carey" a fictitious name, or inspired by a real person?
Boy...a heavy topic, no doubt. And I thought the idea of writing a musical about some deaf, dumb, and blind kid that played pinball was heavy.
I haven't listened to your file yet...I'm listening to The Beatles screw around with "Hippy Hippy Shake" and "The Midnight Special"...but I surely shall...
_________________________
"Cisco Kid, was a friend of mine...(WAH WAH WAH WAHHH!)"
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#513032 - 03/23/02 05:12 AM
Re: Raw Songwriting Sessions
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Dan Worley
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Registered: 09/04/00
Posts: 379
Loc: Kelseyville,CA,UNITED STATES
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Originally posted by Tedster:
Is "Dr. Christine Carey" a fictitious name, or inspired by a real person?
Boy...a heavy topic, no doubt. And I thought the idea of writing a musical about some deaf, dumb, and blind kid that played pinball was heavy.
[/QB]I haven't listened to your file yet...I'm listening to The Beatles screw around with "Hippy Hippy Shake" and "The Midnight Special"...but I surely shall...[/QB] 
Oh, and Rocky Raccoon cracked me up, too. "Sminking of gin."
I love that stuff.
Regards,
Dan Worley
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#513033 - 03/23/02 05:26 AM
Re: Raw Songwriting Sessions
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Dak Lander
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Registered: 01/10/02
Posts: 7728
Loc: Temecula, LoCal, USA
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Damn Man! That's awesome. You won't mind if I don't watch the musical when it comes out eh? It hits way too close to home except I'm a hell of a lot older & I've got that livin' boy attitude.
For what it's worth, I think, as stark and disparing as the situation is, keep the music stark and bare. That lone piano is probably all that's needed. If you do decide to add other instrumentation I think it would have to stay with that dark feeling.  
I like the vocal changes from the written words. Those changes seem to fit better.
I gotta hear more as it progresses.
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#513034 - 03/23/02 08:15 AM
Re: Raw Songwriting Sessions
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Dan Worley
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Posts: 379
Loc: Kelseyville,CA,UNITED STATES
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Originally posted by daklander:
Damn Man! That's awesome. You won't mind if I don't watch the musical when it comes out eh? It hits way too close to home except I'm a hell of a lot older & I've got that livin' boy attitude.
For what it's worth, I think, as stark and disparing as the situation is, keep the music stark and bare. That lone piano is probably all that's needed. If you do decide to add other instrumentation I think it would have to stay with that dark feeling.
I like the vocal changes from the written words. Those changes seem to fit better.
I gotta hear more as it progresses.
I will try to keep the forum posted as changes and additions are made. I like to hear the feedback--pro and con. Though I admit, it is a little--no, a lot--scarey to put a work in progress out this early. It really should still be in the closed-door stage. I take constructive criticism very seriously, considering the source, but if you get too much of it, from too many different sources, it can be damaging and confusing.I've kind of learned how to deal with that--hopefully--so I'm willing to put my neck out there. My hopes are that someone who struggles like I do will read the threads and get some help from them.
Best regards,
Dan Worley
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#513035 - 03/23/02 04:46 PM
Re: Raw Songwriting Sessions
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coolhouse
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Registered: 03/18/01
Posts: 250
Loc: Lafayette,TN,UNITED STATES
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****************************************************
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Dan Worley:
Okay, I'll start it off.
****************************************************
Props to you Dan! It takes more than a little courage to put a work-in-progress in front of your peers and invite comment. To quote Mojo Nixon,"You gotta have balls the size of brass doorknobs".  Let me start off by saying that I like what you've done so far. I wrote quite a bit for musical theater in college so naturally I've got 2 cents to put in.
******************************************************
The sound of your voice, the beat of your heart--
Life's own serenade. I watch them fade away from you.
As hard as I try, as long as you wait,
The myst'ry still remains. Our search has been in vain for a cure.
******************************************************
I wanted "fade" to correspond to "serenade" in the same way that "vain" & "remains" do in the second refrain. It's stronger lyrically and keeps your rhyme scheme intact.
*****************************************************
Awwaah!
Awwaah!
*****************************************************
Twice for this phrase in the song seems one time too many. I found my attention wandering and then wondering what would happen on stage to keep the audience interested.
******************************************************
I can tell my time is near. Will I worry or have no fear?
******************************************************
The second line is inconsistent with the assurance this character displays about her future throughout the rest of the song.
*****************************************************
-- repeat four times --
(on three add pain awwwhhhhs)
(on four add Pain Boy's first verse)
ALL
I'll be right there in Heaven, Heaven.
******************************************************
Like this ending. I was expecting Heaven Girl's theme intertwined with the other two rather than pasting it on at the end however. I know it was easier to set it the way you did but it's about three viewpoints and I think all three need equal representation at this stage of the story. Also,I don't hear Livin' Boy singing that line given his his passionate denial of death.
*****************************************************
Words and music by Dan Worley and Carolyn Wing Greenlee
*****************************************************
Excellent work you two! Daunting subject matter in a demanding artform. Looking forward to more material from this play.
later,
Mike
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#513036 - 03/24/02 01:04 AM
Re: Raw Songwriting Sessions
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Dak Lander
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Registered: 01/10/02
Posts: 7728
Loc: Temecula, LoCal, USA
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Well Hell Boys, I'll go too. Dew Drops is a song I wrote for one of my brother's wedding a number of years ago. I just now picked it back up & played it. Should I do something with it? Add a verse or so? Leave it in the archives as what it was?
Damn! I'm so nervous I clicked the damned wrong thing & posted too soon.
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#513037 - 03/24/02 06:32 AM
Re: Raw Songwriting Sessions
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Dan Worley
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Posts: 379
Loc: Kelseyville,CA,UNITED STATES
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Originally posted by daklander: Well Hell Boys, I'll go too. Dew Drops is a song I wrote for one of my brother's wedding a number of years ago. I just now picked it back up & played it. Should I do something with it? Add a verse or so? Leave it in the archives as what it was?
Now, do I think that dew drops are the best things to use in a song? No... but if you finish it, and tell us why your heart is like the dew drops, or make it very clear why the dew drops symbolize your heart, then I'm okay with it -- if it makes sense. Is your heart like the dew drops because it's pure like the dew drops? Fragile like the dew drops? New like the dew drops? Soft and gentle like the dew drops? What? I need to know that.
Your voice is killer, Bill. If you put out a CD with just your voice, acoustic guitar (and only when needed), fiddle, harmonica, banjo, mandolin, acoustic upright bass, pedal steel -- really basic bare-boned stuff -- I would buy it in a heart beat. No need to get fancy. No overdone processing or any crap like that. Just your voice singing interesting country/folk ballads and a solo instrument coming in now and then to take over, or for support in the background. The "history of your heart" type of thing. That would be great!!!
So, my opinion is, yes, please do finish this song. It has a strong melody and I like what I'm hearing. If you need help with the lyrics find someone to collaborate with. If the dew drop thing doesn't turn out to be strong enough to carry a whole song, change it to something else, or use a different thing in nature for each verse. There's a lot of different ways you can go. But remember, with this type of intimate song, the lyrics are extremely important. Much more so than most songs.
[QUTOE]Damn! I'm so nervous I clicked the damned wrong thing & posted too soon.[/QUOTE]
That wasn't so bad was it?
Best regards,
Dan Worley
P.S. I like the "newly golden leaves" line. Very nice image.
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#513039 - 03/24/02 03:56 PM
Re: Raw Songwriting Sessions
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Dak Lander
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Registered: 01/10/02
Posts: 7728
Loc: Temecula, LoCal, USA
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Dan, Halljams, Thanks guys. I had a feeling something was still missing but I couldn't bring it about, lost as to what & where... You know? Your advice is good. Now I'll see if I can put something more to it. If not, that collaborator is a hell of a good idea. My ego will allow me to work with someone else.
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#513041 - 03/24/02 08:33 PM
Re: Raw Songwriting Sessions
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Dak Lander
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Posts: 7728
Loc: Temecula, LoCal, USA
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"A crazy, over the top, sunny, -1 in Whitehorse today"
Brrr!
I toured the Bluegrass event in old town today & with the weather it's fine, mostly sunny here & probably pokin' hard at 70... Some of it was really great...
Lookin' forward to seein' your new stuff showin' up here.
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#513042 - 03/24/02 08:55 PM
Re: Raw Songwriting Sessions
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Dan Worley
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Registered: 09/04/00
Posts: 379
Loc: Kelseyville,CA,UNITED STATES
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coolhouse (Mike),
Thanks for your well-thought-out response to my post about the opening song for the musical. I'm processing it in this little brain of mine. It takes me awhile, but I wanted you to know I appreciate it.
I'll get back to you.
Regards,
Dan Worley
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#513043 - 03/24/02 10:49 PM
Re: Raw Songwriting Sessions
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Dan Worley
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Registered: 09/04/00
Posts: 379
Loc: Kelseyville,CA,UNITED STATES
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Dak,
I've been thinking about the "My heart is like the dewdrops" line in your song, and since this is a songwriting forum, I thought I would delve further into it. I hope you don't think I'm picking on you.
"My heart is like the dewdrops" is what I would describe as a weak simile. Unless you purposefully want a weak simile, or you can qualify/explain the weak simile, it's best not to use it.
What comes to mind when you hear the word dewdrop? For me, I think of morning, damp, wet grass, soggy newspaper, can't mow the lawn yet. What also comes to mind is that the dewdrops are going to evaporate as soon as it gets hot enough. The point is, you have to anticipate what images or thoughts are going to come into the listener's head when you use a simile.
Now, if indeed, you're going to write a song about a guy who pledges his heart to a woman, but as soon as the heat gets turned up he's out of there. Well, then, the dewdrops simile will work. Or if you're going to use it to show how fragile your heart is, then that will work too, but you better be prepared to pull it off.
Mostly you want your similes to be strong (excuse me if I use the old standards): My love (the verb not the noun) is like a rock. My love (the noun not the verb) is like a red rose. Spirit is like the wind. My knee is like a rusty hinge. Or turn them to metaphors. My knee is a rusty hinge. My love is a rock. Love is a rose. My love is higher than any mountain. Deeper than any sea. Wider than any river. You get the point. They're strong. People know what you mean right off the bat. Well, the rose one you may need to qualify for some younger people, but you know what I mean. Speaking of that, there's also nothing wrong with qualifying the similes or metaphors you use in a song: "Love is a rose so you better not pick it. It only grows when it's on the vine. A handful of thorns"... and so on. Or they can be expanded: "How like the winter hath my absence been” or “So are you to my thoughts as food to life.”
Anyway. I just though I'd share that with you. If you're going to use "My heart is like the dewdrops," then be prepared to qualify it or it's not going to have any impact, and it will leave the listener confused.
I hope this helps in some way.
Regards,
Dan Worley
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#513044 - 03/25/02 01:23 AM
Re: Raw Songwriting Sessions
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Dak Lander
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Registered: 01/10/02
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Loc: Temecula, LoCal, USA
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Originally posted by Dan Worley:
Dak,
I've been thinking about the "My heart is like the dewdrops" line in your song, and since this is a songwriting forum, I thought I would delve further into it. I hope you don't think I'm picking on you.
I hope this helps in some way.
Regards,
Dan Worley
In that particular song, I know what I meant when I wrote the words & I see your point. That necessitates another verse that explains the "dewdrops meaning". That means at least two more verses. Thanks for the work load.
I'm flattered that you're taking the time to really provide the insight rather than just throw up some generic how to's.
On another note. What I see from you & Jim so far, is constructive criticism, and that is something to learn from so don't ever hesitate to let me know what you think, if you have a reason & explain it, I can then absorb that information & make a valid decision as to whether or not to use the criticism as a learning tool or ignore it. The one thing I will do, and always have done, is ignore criticism for it's own sake. All that does is kick this damned German's stubborn streak into high gear.
Jeez, this is gonna be great. With the talent the rest of you guys have I'll get a writing education second to none.
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#513046 - 03/26/02 06:29 PM
Re: Raw Songwriting Sessions
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Anifa
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Registered: 03/26/02
Posts: 3572
Loc: Kansas City, Mo
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Just some food for thought, I played around with the lines just a tad bit to see what I could come up with to avoid the weepy sounding heart as Dan had mentioned. Here's what I came up with without changing the intent...
You had this:
Verse
I sit outside and listen
To the gently blowing breeze
And watch the dewdrops glisten
And newly growing leaves
Chorus
My heart is like dewdrops of dew
That God sent from above
I give it darling now to you
And pledge to you my love
How about something like this:
Verse 1
I sit outside and listen
To the gently blowing breeze
And watch the dewdrops glisten
Upon the budding leaves
Chorus
My heart is captured through and through
God sent from above
I give it darling now to you
And pledge to you my love
Verse 2
Into the breeze a bluebird sings
A blissful melody
As birds, and dewdrops, and all good things
God sent you to me
Chorus repeat
Let me know what you think
Ani`Fa
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#513047 - 03/26/02 10:34 PM
Re: Raw Songwriting Sessions
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Dak Lander
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Originally posted by anifa:
Just some food for thought, I played around with the lines just a tad bit to see what I could come up with to avoid the weepy sounding heart as Dan had mentioned. Here's what I came up with without changing the intent...
Let me know what you think
Ani`Fa
We can continue this possibility via email, if you wish. Remove the "nospam": bill@nospamdaklandermusic.com
I liked what you've done with "Everything You Do". It was definately listenable as presented. It was very slow on the download. DSL with a pretty good normal speed & it was still 10 minutes. I'll be checking out other tunes as time allows.
By the by, it was worth the wait, in my opinion. Nice voice.
Thanks again...
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#513048 - 03/27/02 01:39 AM
Re: Raw Songwriting Sessions
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Anifa
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Registered: 03/26/02
Posts: 3572
Loc: Kansas City, Mo
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Thank you for the compliment on Everything You Do, it's appreciated. I'll try the personal e-mail to you. Right now, I just committed webicide with my web site. I'm on vacation for this week and I decided to make some major upgrades to my site. Probably for the next couple days, the site will appear to be totally confused. I have to stick to my site overhaul over the next few days because I average nearly 100,000 hits a month and I don't want to chase regulars off with a BIG MESS of things. I hate upgrades!!! To make a few things better, you have to change the whole doggone thing. I'll send you a brief e-mail with contact information.
Regards,
Ani`Fa 
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#513049 - 04/02/02 04:17 AM
Re: Raw Songwriting Sessions
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Dan Worley
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Registered: 09/04/00
Posts: 379
Loc: Kelseyville,CA,UNITED STATES
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Originally posted by coolhouse: Originally posted by Dan Worley:
coolhouse (Mike),
Thanks for your...response to my post about the opening song for the musical
It's a relief to hear back from you. I was afraid I had overstepped my boundaries with that one. Keep up the good work.
later,
Mike
Regards,
Dan Worley
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