#1800139 - 08/24/07 03:56 PM
Here's my first attempt at lyric writing. Any comments?
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Rich_DTR
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Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 1
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COUNTING TARTS (AND BLEEDING HEARTS)
Verse 1:
Counting tarts and bleeding hearts,
The photos on the wall,
Given half a chance once more,
I'd love to take them all.
The frames are scratched and broken,
The pictures start to fade,
This will always be the place,
My memories are safe.
Chorus:
I'm not as young as I feel.
I'm not as old as you think I am.
I'm not as young as I feel.
I'm not as old as you think I am.
Verse2:
School boy's tales never fail,
To keep the girls amused,
Even if they're not quite true;
That broken leg's just bruised.
Lucy's wasn't half as loose,
As all the boys did pray,
Lucy's on the scrapheap now,
We helped her on her way.
Chorus:
I'm not as young as I feel.
I'm not as old as you think I am.
I'm not as young as I feel.
I'm not as old as you think I am.
Middle8:
I will never appreciate,
Exactly what I had back then,
Words and prose may paint a picture,
But you can't beat being there.
Verse3:
Memories may make the man,
To help him on his way,
Everything we learned back then,
We use them still today.
Our thoughts may not be clear,
But what is not denied,
Is all you know you leave behind,
On the day you die.
Chorus:
I'm not as young as I feel.
I'm not as old as you think I am.
I'm not as young as I feel.
I'm not as old as you think I am. (repeat to end)
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#1829573 - 10/24/07 01:21 PM
Re: Here's my first attempt at lyric writing. Any comments?
[Re: Rich_DTR]
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misterkeyboard
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Registered: 08/27/07
Posts: 11
Loc: Sweden
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I would love to hear this with music, it's easier to make a comment then. I think you have a nice ground here.
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#1849027 - 11/30/07 12:39 AM
Re: Here's my first attempt at lyric writing. Any comments?
[Re: misterkeyboard]
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RicBassGuy
MP Hall of Fame Member
Registered: 02/02/05
Posts: 3451
Loc: Metro Detroit, MI
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Standard song structure is fine.
How did you come up with the title? It sounds like you just took the most interesting sounding line. While this is perfectly acceptable it makes me wonder if the song is based on a weak idea. What is the song about?
What are you trying to tell your listener? Do all the verses contribute towards that meaning in a logical way? Do the verses tie into or lead into the chorus? Does the middle8/bridge function appropriately in terms of telling your story?
A lot of people tend to write from the bottom-up instead of the top-down. Nothing wrong with that, except sometimes the story gets lost in all the details. Sometimes it helps to present your song as an outline to check it, or better yet, start from an outline and then fill in the details. Here's my attempt at your song:
V1. Pictures Hold Memories
C. I Look Older Than I Feel
V2. Schoolyard Memories
C.
M8. Being There Better Than Memories
V3. Death Ends Memories
C.
In general, songs work better when you can draw your listeners in. What draws them in? Picture-painting with words is one. That can help set the scene. I like the way you describe the "photos on the wall" as "The frames are scratched and broken/The pictures start to fade". This helps give me a mental image.
People also like to hear a good story. What makes a good story? Well, basically relating actual experiences in an engaging fashion. Is this an interesting story? "The kids went out and played. They had fun." It's kind of bland, right? There's no details and it's presented as kind of a cold observation. How about this? "Jimmy and I went to the playground to see who could swing higher. A bee came along and scared Jimmy right off his swing. After it flew away we both had a good laugh." Do you think the second verse makes a good story or not?
Ok, the chorus. This is usually the lyrical hook of the song. It's important enough to be repeated throughout the song. And it's usually the one thing that people remember about a song. Granted "I'm not as young as I feel./I'm not as old as you think I am." has a nice little thing going with the young/old thing. But that's where you leave it; then you repeat it. Any guesses why you didn't use something from the chorus in your song title?
You might consider a chorus with different 3rd and 4th lines. (Or 1st and 2nd lines.) You could even have separate choruses, with the last two lines somehow relating back to the verse just before it.
Chorus 1:
Memories fade in their fragile frames
But today I still feel the same
I'm not as young as I feel.
I'm not as old as you think I am.
Ok, word choice and clever rhymes. As writers we love 'em, but listeners usually hate 'em. Sometimes we really have to stretch things to make them fit. Look at your amused/bruised couplet again. Is that really the best way to communicate your point? Is that how you'd present it if you were speaking?
Lastly, a lot of beginning songwriters approach writing songs as writing poetry. There may be similarities, but what makes a good poem does not necessarily make a good song. Songs work better if they follow natural speech patterns; poems may have rhyming and meter rules that produce unnatural, stilted word combinations. But what I see a lot is a failure to distinguish poetic meter from lyric rhythm, or phrasing. People do not speak in iambic anything. Or should I say, PEEpull DO not SPEAK in IamBIC anNEEthing. This kind of goes hand in hand with counting syllables; great for poetry, not so good for songs. Does your song sound like a poem if you read it out loud without singing it?
Whew! Now, is this song based on a personal experience? It sounds like a middle age guy who's discovered life's rear-view mirror. Did you really tell the girls in grade school that you broke your leg when it wasn't? Was there a real Lucy (in character if not in name)? Did you meet a lot of "tarts" and "bleeding hearts" in your lifetime? What does any of this have to do with feeling younger than you look?
So I'd say not all bad for a first try. Keep trying, keep improving. Maybe find a book on songwriting at your local bookstore or library. And/or spend a good amount of time really analyzing songs you like by famous artists. The important thing is to keep writing. If it were that easy everyone would be a hit songwriter.
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#1869739 - 01/09/08 04:36 PM
Re: Here's my first attempt at lyric writing. Any comments?
[Re: RicBassGuy]
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ldavidsong
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Registered: 01/09/08
Posts: 1
Loc: Cailfornia
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First perhaps a big "thank you" should go out to RicBassGuy. What a detailed and thoughtful response.
My only comment is that there is one reference in your lyrics that caught my attention and I really wanted to hear more about it. This being:
Lucy's on the scrapheap now,
We helped her on her way.
I am wondering if there is a whole song just in there.
I didn't connect to the chorus because I didn't really understand it.
At any rate you got me thinking and that's what a song should sometimes do. Keep going.
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#1878015 - 01/23/08 08:44 AM
Re: Here's my first attempt at lyric writing. Any comments?
[Re: ldavidsong]
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Eric Iverson
MP Hall of Fame Member
Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 2257
Loc: Jackson Heights, NY
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I think the lyrics are very evocative and with good music would make a great song!
What kind of musical background were you considering? Vocal with acoustic guitar? Full band with harmonies? At any rate, the lyrics have to shine through in a case like this.
Lyrics don't really have to make total sense, as long as they create an atmosphere.
I DO understand the chorus, myself. I feel that way quite often, as a 54 year old teenager.. who pays his bills and all that...
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#1884177 - 02/02/08 11:26 PM
Re: Here's my first attempt at lyric writing. Any comments?
[Re: Eric Iverson]
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lovenara
Senior Member
Registered: 01/05/01
Posts: 122
Loc: bkk,,THAILAND
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yes the writer has some skills
but without music ,we cant tell it's best or not.
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