MusicPlayerNetwork.com Forums Guitar Guitar Forum Need input for title tracks: Do Not Try This At Home

After a long, hot day working in my garden yesterday, I was given the idea for a new, fun recording project. (No, I don't know where the idea came from, it was just there, I don't claim credit for thinking of it.)

The working title is Do Not Try This At Home; the album concept is a bunch of pieces built around phrases usually seen on warning labels & signs. I already have -

Harmful Or Fatal If Swallowed

No User-Serviceable Parts

Do Not Feed Or Annoy The Animals

Contents Under Pressure

If you have any favorites I may have missed, please post them here. Still considering Do Not Drive Or Operate Heavy Machinery, but not committed to that one, yet. Thanks, everyone!



As any good Deadhead will know, Caution, Do Not Stop On Tracks was taken long ago.

'Contents Under Pressure' is in my notebook of potential titles from many years ago.
'Keep Out Of Reach Of Children'
'Not For Human Consumption'
'Do Not Operate If Intoxicated'
'Unplug Before Opening'

For external use only
May cause drowsiness
Use in well ventilated area
Keep away from children
Share the road
No shoes no shirt no service
Do not use near open flame

Thanks to Scott Fraser & Larryz!

"Not For Human Consumption" & "Do Not Use Near Open Flame" have made the list! "For External Use Only" is a possibility, although I personally prefer "Do Not Ingest".

Upon further reflection, "Do Not Drive Or Operate Heavy Machinery" is too much fun to ignore. "Danger: High Explosives" also has an appeal.

Any other entries?

I really like Scott’s 'Keep Out Of Reach Of Children'. It has a built-in retort for critics.

How about...

”Hearing Protection Required”
“Noise Area: May Cause Hearing Loss”
“Loud Noise Hazard”
“Wear Goggles When Handling”
“Beware of a Falling Rock”
“WARNING: Strong Current”
“Bears In Area”
“Opening Will Void Warranty”

Waves break on ledge: you could be swept off, injured or drowned.
Dangerous shorebreak: waves break in shallow water, serious injuries could occur, even in small surf.
Jellyfish stings are painful stay out of water.

I had given some thought to "Danger: Falling Rock Zone". "Opening Will Void Warranty" has the right tone of mindless legal verbiage, but it lacks the threat potential I'm looking for?

OTOH, "Keep Out Of Reach Of Children" could be applied to a lot of very interesting things, so it gets on the list.

I'd like to see more beachfront warnings? Some of those are close to what I'm looking for . . .

"Keep Hands Away" and "Avoid Serious Injury Or Death" are serious contenders; so is "Danger: High Explosives" . . .

It’s not your style, but...

“Dangerous Surf!”
“Swim At Your Own Risk”
“Tsunami Hazard Zone”


And this one made me chuckle:

This one from San Martin’s Maho Beach was also amusing, but waaaay too long for your purposes:

Open slowly to relieve pressure.
If irritation persists, call a doctor.
Vapor may ignite explosively.
Exposure to high temperature may cause can to burst.

May cause irritability (I should wear this warning label myself)
Do not use with plunger or in toilet (this is on a Drano bottle)
Contact may result in injury
Always keep blades away from fingers and body
Do not use any Kershaw knife as a stabbing device (I kid you not, it actually says this)
Please do not use this product inappropriately (found on the package for a Cold Steel Bowie knife)

“Beware of walking logs”

I have at least one knife that came with a label suggesting it not be used as a weapon - this on a Dagger-style sheath knife?!?!? What was it supposed to be then, a Medieval toothpick?

"Keep Hands Away" was the shortest version I found of "Keep Hands Away From Blades", and several variations on that theme, including "Keep Hands Away From Rollers". (Reminded me of the Stephen King's story, "The Mangler".)

@Surfergirl - thanks for the explanations with those signs. Had never seen the "Dangerous Shorebreak" sign anywhere that I can recall?

I really like "Vapor May Ignite Explosively"!!!

Looking up "Swim At Your Own Risk" led me to a quick review of a liability case regarding warning signs in general, an interesting distraction. Considering "Use At Your Own Risk".

The "Nude Sunbathers . . ." sign might be an enticement to some, depending on just who was out sunbathing, of course.

The "Jet Blast . . ." warning sign would make a great album cover . . . Is that French phrase "You there! (You're the one?) I love you!" part of the sign, or stenciled graffiti?

Where did you see a sign that says "Beware Of Walking Logs"? I'm not doubting you, just want to know!

I'll put all of everyone's suggestions in my notebook today - I still like real paper notebooks - and make a final list soon.

Thanks, everyone, for your input. I really needed this project. The album project that I've been working on is really dark, dark enough that it's been getting to me. This idea came to me as a sort of promise, "Finish that other thing, and then you can do this, it'll be fun!" I'll share any early results, as I finish them.

Refrigerate after opening.

Probably too long but...

Objects in Mirror are Closer ThanThey Appear.

Then I had the bright idea to google Warning Signs and click Images. There seems to be an infinite supply.

This one might be a good band name - Danger Bull

Danger of Death
Beware of Vehicles
Risk of Explosion
Toxic Hazard
Sharp Edges Watch Your Fingers
Beware of Opening Door
Caution Fixed Overhead Hazard
Warning Children Left Unattended Will Be Sold To The Circus
Slow Hedgehogs
Slippery Surface
Danger of Falling Objects
Biological Hazard
Wrong Way
Danger Alligators
Warning Syringes
Caution Uneven Surfaces
Compressed Air Hazard
Caution Stupid Kids Crossing
Warning Open Hole

Reminds me of signs my dad has seen in the Caribbean, possibly Jamaica, reading, "Beware of Sleeping Policemen". Definitely requires explanation. Apparently in the local jargon a speed bump is colloquially called a sleeping policeman, because it enforces speed caution without actually doing anything.

@Winston, here is the long definition of shorebreak.

https://hioceansafety.com/ocean-hazards-dangerous-shorebreak/

This exactly describes something that happened to me when I was very young. Got knocked over backwards into nice soft sand, spent a moment or two lying on my back underwater, looking up at the sky. I wasn't frightened, I thought the sky looked pretty cool through the water. My mother, OTOH, was less thrilled at seeing me suddenly disappear underwater.

I found these two pearls of wisdom on the warning sticker on a ladder:

Do not over-reach.
Wear slip resistant shoes.

The "do not over-reach" has good potential for a song lyric.

'Not For Human Consumption'

I laughed out loud when I read this one from Scott. I have a package of freeze dried maggots that is sold as fishing bait that has this warning written on the label. Really, Captain Obvious? Was it really necessary to tell people not to eat a package of freeze dried maggots?

My home state of Louisiana is the source of the “walking logs” sign- it’s a warning about the presence of alligators.

I saw it on a can of tuna sold as cat food. It contained nothing other than tuna, but I suspect not the best part of the fish.
And the maggots, there are places in the world where that might be construed as a delicacy.

Watch for falling rocks
Beware of dog
Guard dog on duty
Enter at own risk
Do not enter - High Explosives in use
Do not enter - Military gun range
Do not enter - Radio active area
Do not enter - Defoliant poison in use
Do not enter - Area 51

Here’s a classic!

“No Girls Allowed!”

Someone lives near a military installation, I think . . .

I had an interesting encounter with a "Use Of Deadly Force Permitted" sign once.

I was delivering a flower arrangement to a downtown D.C. office building, NOT a gov't building. I stepped off the elevator to find myself in a small lobby, facing a man sitting in a booth that looked like a ticket window at an old-school movie theater. Above him, and slightly to his right was a sign indicating "Use Of Deadly Force Permitted", but nothing to explain where I was, or why all the security measures? I told the fellow behind the plexiglass why I was there, he had me wait for a minute, until a very nice young woman came out from a side door and thanked me for the flowers, then I left. I still have no idea who they were?

LOL! Winston, no, I'm not living close to a military installation, but I was in the military for a couple of years 69-75 era. I have pulled armed security at a bunker installation in Colorado that even I wasn't told what was in there LOL! I was just thinking of the signs I have seen that would cause one to pause before entering (i.e. poison in use). The typical out in my rural areas no trespassing signs that are a little humorous: Do not worry about the dog, worry about the owner...If you can read this you are in range...No trespassing violators will be violated...What part of no trespassing don't you understand?

@Larryz - I used to see one in New England that said "Trespassers Will Be Shot, Survivors Will Be Prosecuted". Add that to a bit of wisdom from an old buddy - "The first shot is just to get their attention."

I think I saw this in an old cowboy saloon movie or two on top of the old upright: Don't shoot, I'm just the piano player!

Close Cover Before Striking
Warning! Coffee Is Hot
Danger! Do Not Enter!
You Must Be THIS Tall To Ride This Ride
Slip Hazard
Beware Of Dog!

Of courtse you'll need to cover this one... Signs

A lot of fireworks have warning labels that finish with the sentence, “Light Fuse And Get Away.”

FWIW, it’s both the name of a song from Dream Theater’s debut album, When Dream And Day Unite:



as well as the name of Widespread Panic’s first live album.

Ah, Picker. I vividly recall the Summer that song came out, and how much I hated it, along with almost everything else I heard on the radio that season. Argent's "Hold Your Head Up", whoever sang "Brandy", the song in the video. Mahavishnu Orchestra came along just in time for me . . .

Oh, it's not anything award winning, just a folk rockish pop tune with a nice hook, and a great intro. The subject matter was a bit 5 years ago when it came out. But, I'm sure it made some record company suits a lot of money at the expense of the band.

Literally just stumbled on this gallery of warning signs on Imgur, including the classic, “Hitchhikers May Be Escaping Inmates”

https://imgur.com/gallery/oBJhcpE

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite songs, "Prisoners" by Rain Parade: "Don't Pick Up Hitchhikers, May Be Escaped Prisoners."

You have to figure anyone who takes the time to read the Cave Diving sign is probably smart enough to back away while still reading it. The ones who see the Grim Reaper and say "Cool!" are already doomed, one way or another.

While I'm getting a list together, I wanted to publicly apologize to picker for the tone of my response to his post.

That was one of the worst Summers of my then-young life, capped off by my father dying, so anything that reminds me of it . . . I really did hate most of the Music to begin with, but afterwards, there were some tunes I never wanted to hear again, you just happened to hit on one of them.

Anyhow, I'm sorry, man, that was a nasty reply, and underserved.

No worries, Winston. Rock on, bruh!

Thank you, picker, much appreciated.

There is a very interesting story in today's Wall Street Journal that offers a great addition to the warnings that we have posted. Down in Florida there is a growing iguana population, along with pythons and other big snakes not native to the Sunshine State. Anyways, iguanas like to spend their nights sleeping up in trees. Iguanas, being cold blooded reptiles, are sensitive to cold weather, so last winter, when temperatures dropped into the 30's, the National Weather Service issued an actual advisory for Florida: "Beware of falling iguanas".

I remember seeing that story- I’m surprised I didn’t dredge up that memory to post it here. Good one!