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OT: When/why did it become normal to ignore texts/email ?


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https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2018/01/ignoring-each-other-in-the-age-of-instant-communication/550325/

 

this article is long, but it mostly nails the topic and my experience:

 

The defining feature of conversation is the expectation of a response. It would just be a monologue without one. In person, or on the phone, those responses come astoundingly quickly: After one person has spoken, the other replies in an average of just 200 milliseconds.

 

In recent decades, written communication has caught upâor at least come as close as it"s likely to get to mimicking the speed of regular conversation (until they implant thought-to-text microchips in our brains). It takes more than 200 milliseconds to compose a text, but it"s not called 'instant' messaging for nothing: There is an understanding that any message you send can be replied to more or less immediately.

 

But there is also an understanding that you don"t have to reply to any message you receive immediately. As much as these communication tools are designed to be instant, they are also easily ignored. And ignore them we do. Texts go unanswered for hours or days, emails sit in inboxes for so long that 'Sorry for the delayed response' has gone from earnest apology to punchline.

 

People don"t need fancy technology to ignore each other, of course: It takes just as little effort to avoid responding to a letter, or a voicemail, or not to answer the door when the Girl Scouts come knocking. As Naomi Baron, a linguist at American University who studies language and technology, puts it, 'We"ve dissed people in lots of formats before.'

 

While you may know, rationally, that there are plenty of good reasons for someone not to respond to a text or an emailâthey"re busy, they haven"t seen the message yet, they"re thinking about what they want to sayâit doesn"t always feel that way in a society where everyone seems to be on their smartphone all the time.

 

A Pew survey found that 90 percent of cellphone owners 'frequently' carry their phone with them, and 76 percent say they turn their phone off 'rarely' or 'never.' In one small 2015 study, young adults checked their phones an average of 85 times a day. Combine that with the increasing social acceptability of using your smartphone when you"re with other people, and it"s reasonable to expect that it probably doesn"t take that long for a recipient to see any given message.

 

'You create for people an environment where they feel as though they could be responded to instantaneously, and then people don"t do that. And that just has anxiety all over it,' says Sherry Turkle, the director of the Initiative on Technology and Self at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

 

It"s anxiety-inducing because written communication is now designed to mimic conversationâbut only when it comes to timing. It allows for a fast back-and-forth dialogue, but without any of the additional context of body language, facial expression, and intonation. It"s harder, for example, to tell that someone found your word choice off-putting, and thus to correct it in real-time, or try to explain yourself better. When someone"s in front of you, 'you do get to see the shadow of your words across someone else"s face,' Turkle says.

Why fit in, when you were born to stand out ?

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Sometimes people don"t respond as a way of deliberately signaling they"re annoyed, or that they don"t want to continue a relationship. Turkle says sometimes taking a long time to write back is a way of establishing dominance in a relationship, by making yourself look simply too busy and important to reply.

 

But oftentimes, people are just trying to manage the quantity of messages and notifications they receive. In 2015, the average American was receiving 88 business emails per day, according to the market research firm Radicati, but only sending 34 business emails per day. Becauseâwho has the time to respond to 88 emails a day? Maybe someone isn"t responding because they"ve realized the interruption of a notification negatively affects their productivity, so they"re ignoring their phone to get some work done.

 

While texting is popular worldwide, Baron, of American University, thinks that a strong preference for communication that can be easily ignored is a particularly American attitude. 'Americans have far fewer manners in general in their communication than a lot of other societies,' she says. 'The second issue is a real feeling of empowerment. I think we have become a version of power freaks, not just control freaks.'

 

'A lot of the time what"s happening is people have five conversations going on, and they just can"t really be intimate and present with five different people,' Turkle says. 'So they kind of do a triage, they prioritize, they forget. Your brain is not a perfect instrument for processing texts. But it will be interpreted as though it really was a conversation, and so you can hurt people.'

Why fit in, when you were born to stand out ?

My Soundcloud with many originals:

[70's Songwriter]

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Anxiety-inducing is the word. I'm definitely one of the younger folks on this forum; I grew up before everyone had smartphones but AOL Instant Messenger was a huge part of my teen years. As something of an introvert, who preferred writing to speaking (it's part of why I'm a performer, if that makes sense). I felt liberated (and still do) by being able to initiate communication thoughtfully and informally (way easier than going out of my way to approach a girl in the hallway or god forbid call her house, right?). So in that sense, I appreciate the evolution into texting that's become a part of all of our lives.

 

But it also means I'm given the opportunity to constantly review and over-analyze wording and delayed response time ALL THE TIME.

 

O Brave New World...

Samuel B. Lupowitz

Musician. Songwriter. Food Enthusiast. Bad Pun Aficionado.

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Eh, personally if I want an actual right-now conversation I use that obscure feature of my phone that I call "making a phone call". If there's something urgent someone needs to get from me, once again: make a phone call.

 

I have texting on silent (mainly due to too many work notifications that aren't critical, thanks software....) and I am not going to text while driving (unfortunately I'm in the minority here) or frankly when I'm engaged in anything. I don't have "push notifications" on for email, when I want to check 'em I do so, and that isn't all that often.

 

I tend to pull out my device WAY less often after ditching facebook a year ago.

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Greg, I teach email management professionally.

 

I encourage people to respond to emails in bulk, only twice a day, when it suits them, not the sender. The alternative is bouncing around all day between important tasks and your email inbox. Stressful and unproductive. However the quoted average of 88 per day in two 44 email chunks? Super doable. Especially given many will be destined either for filing or deleting.

 

My opinion is that anyone who sends an email expecting an instant response is kidding themselves. I"m not as strongly opinionated about texting but I see it broadly falling into the same bucket.

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Eh, personally if I want an actual right-now conversation I use that obscure feature of my phone that I call "making a phone call". If there's something urgent someone needs to get from me, once again: make a phone call.

 

.

 

you actually give out your phone # ? ;)

 

Seriously, most phone calls[ family, friends] I make go right to voice mail.

 

And phone #'s get abused . Our #1 carrier/Internet provider gave away all our phone #'s names a few years ago.

 

No fines. They said " sorry ". Right . I am sure.

Why fit in, when you were born to stand out ?

My Soundcloud with many originals:

[70's Songwriter]

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Greg, I teach email management professionally.

 

I encourage people to respond to emails in bulk, only twice a day, when it suits them, not the sender. The alternative is bouncing around all day between important tasks and your email inbox. Stressful and unproductive. However the quoted average of 88 per day in two 44 email chunks? Super doable. Especially given many will be destined either for filing or deleting.

 

My opinion is that anyone who sends an email expecting an instant response is kidding themselves. I"m not as strongly opinionated about texting but I see it broadly falling into the same bucket.

 

a response/reply in 24/48 hours, to my non spam email or text would qualify as ' courteous ' IMO. But that is unrealistic.

 

I have a few family members and friends who take 3 weeks to reply. These are the ' busy life ' types. And also some

disorganized ADD.

 

I have 2 email accounts. 1 is for casual, shopping, and my 'spam catcher '.

 

My other email is a legacy thing for +10 yrs that I have managed to preserve from crep spam.

 

Did you notice the distinction between American and not American in the article ?

Why fit in, when you were born to stand out ?

My Soundcloud with many originals:

[70's Songwriter]

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a response/reply in 24/48 hours, to my non spam email or text would qualify as ' courteous ' IMO. But that is unrealistic.

 

Did you notice the distinction between American and not American in the article ?

I agree with you that it"s courteous and disagree that it"s unrealistic. It"s very easy to achieve, but in my experience the average person doesn"t know how to manage their email inbox so become overwhelmed. Business context of course. I offer no opinion on your friends or family.

 

I did notice the comment about Americans being ruder than others but frankly don"t buy into that at all. Aussies are just as bad at responding. In the case of the people I work with it"s not rudeness. It"s disorganisation.

 

 

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a response/reply in 24/48 hours, to my non spam email or text would qualify as ' courteous ' IMO. But that is unrealistic.

 

Did you notice the distinction between American and not American in the article ?

I agree with you that it"s courteous and disagree that it"s unrealistic. It"s very easy to achieve, but in my experience the average person doesn"t know how to manage their email inbox so become overwhelmed. Business context of course. I offer no opinion on your friends or family.

 

I did notice the comment about Americans being ruder than others but frankly don"t buy into that at all. Aussies are just as bad at responding. In the case of the people I work with it"s not rudeness. It"s disorganisation.

 

 

good stuff. I am glad you rejected the rude American generalization.

 

Electronic or digital communication has been globalized for many years.

Thus,other than phrasing, or context, there shouldn't be regional quirks about responsiveness, etc.

 

Why fit in, when you were born to stand out ?

My Soundcloud with many originals:

[70's Songwriter]

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Eh, personally if I want an actual right-now conversation I use that obscure feature of my phone that I call "making a phone call". If there's something urgent someone needs to get from me, once again: make a phone call.

 

:thu:

 

Yeah, the "texting tapdance" gets annoying rather quickly.

 

 

 

 

 

When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a Moray.
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Not responding started when social media became popular so probably fairly early in the MySpace days. 2005-ish? Probably earlier.

The seed was planted when attractive people created accounts and quickly garnered a sh*tstorm of unwanted attention.

Just like real life but with a much larger population.

 

Being polite does not work with impolite inquiries. Plus it is a total waste of time. While humans have always "ghosted" other humans, the barrrage of nonsense has created a barrage of such tactics.

 

From there, it spread into the general population, who learn by example and jump into trends - good, bad or indifferent. It is the new normal and here to stay.

 

It took a chunk of my life to get here and I am still not sure where "here" is.
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thats good history. I think you nailed the time line.

 

I think us polite and serious [ and older ?} emailers and texters get wrapped up or buried by all the digital garbage communication.

 

Its possible most folks have only 1 email address. and 1 phone # . When they arrive home from work and open up their home

computer email tool, and messenger, they have a barrage of 88 emails/texts.

 

So its a chore for them to find an email from Greg, for example.

What I send or text is not life and death stuff. Its about courtesy and/or adequate reply in 24/48 hours.

 

There are some exceptions to 24/48 hrs- long time family/friends with busy lives.

My brother and sister catch up on the week end to my communication. Thats totally ok.

 

Why fit in, when you were born to stand out ?

My Soundcloud with many originals:

[70's Songwriter]

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I don't know why folks get so worked up over this stuff. The appropriate usage seems pretty evident, but maybe just because of the nature of my job and life and how much I use everything. Generally there's an expectation I'll replay to an email same day, text as soon as I can, and voicemail just depends on what's going on....which is why people often text. Email is good for less urgent stuff, or things where there is a lot of information or attachments. Sometimes if it is time sensitive, I'll receive a text saying "I just sent you an email". That seems completely appropriate to me. If im in a meeting, sometimes I can reply to a text when I can't answer the phone. However, if I can't do either, I'd rather read a text than listen to a voice mail. Usually I consider a text to be a courtesy to recognize that I may not be immediately available and give me the option to call or text back when it works for me. It all seems pretty straight forward. They're just tools. I don't try to assign some sort of deeper social meaning to it.

Dan

 

Acoustic/Electric stringed instruments ranging from 4 to 230 strings, hammered, picked, fingered, slapped, and plucked. Analog and Digital Electronic instruments, reeds, and throat/mouth.

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In business, or on the job, customers, bases, etc, I am kind of sure , an employee is expected to respond promptly.

 

Phone call, email, text , esp with customers. The idea is to spoil customers, show them that you care.

 

My context on the O/p is on the social side. I see a slide on communication overall.

Much of it is casual.

 

Good communication is always desirable in daily life, no matter the tool or method.

 

 

 

Why fit in, when you were born to stand out ?

My Soundcloud with many originals:

[70's Songwriter]

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Well, for me they all intermingle. I don't have a 9-5 job. I travel, I get work done when I can, I reply to people when I not in a meeting, on a plane, or not in a hazardous environment where having a phone in me could blow the place up. I have coworker's frantically texting me at midnight with a problem, friends just wanting to know if I'm around, and the ex wife trying to figure out schedules with the kids and all their extracurriculars. If it it's urgent and important, I'll reply as quickly as possible. Otherwise depending on what is going on at the moment, it may be a while. No ulterior motive, no attempt at playing some sort of game to establish dominance, just life.

Dan

 

Acoustic/Electric stringed instruments ranging from 4 to 230 strings, hammered, picked, fingered, slapped, and plucked. Analog and Digital Electronic instruments, reeds, and throat/mouth.

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In business, or on the job, customers, bases, etc, I am kind of sure , an employee is expected to respond promptly.

 

Phone call, email, text , esp with customers. The idea is to spoil customers, show them that you care.

 

My context on the O/p is on the social side. I see a slide on communication overall.

Much of it is casual.

 

Good communication is always desirable in daily life, no matter the tool or method.

 

 

 

Indeed, to contrast what I said earlier, we now use Slack at work, and I respond to that asap.

 

There are studies done about interruptions (with certain kinds of work at least) and how it can break you out of your flow for many minutes each time. (This is another reason I despise the "open and collaborative" workplaces that have become a trend. they can be extremely distracting.)

 

I think the idea of instantly getting back to someone is the new trend, not the idea that we are becoming rude. Are humans geared for all this instant wired-up lifestyle? Some studies say we are not. But then I grew up with pay phones and even before answering machines. Even in the workplace, you often couldn't reach someone for hours at a time if they were in meetings etc and away from their desk. I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing.

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I know Greg and you guys are discussing this at a deeper, more business-world or societal level, but I have to relate what happened to me recently.

 

I see a CL ad of a band looking for keys. The ad is detailed and maybe a little long winded, but they seem like older talented people doing some neat stuff. I respond that I'm interested and give me some songs to learn for an audition. They send back 11 tunes. Then nothing for a week. Then they email me with sort of a "Now, where were we in our conversations?" message. I reply that I got the tunes to learn and waiting for an audition date. Another week goes by and I get an email asking if I'm still interested in getting together. I reply, yes. I give them several dates I'm available and ask for at least a couple days notice to go over the tunes. Nothing for another week. Then, yesterday evening I see an email from them (time stamped 2pm, but was NOT there when checked my emails around 330 pm) that they are getting together tonight (Wednesday, day of the message) if want to come and visit with them.

I got pissed off and told them to find someone else and good luck. I really wanted to say eff-off and go die! Nothing for weeks at a time, then come over tonight???

This did not bode well for a good working relationship (a band is a business, right?). Maybe I did cut off my nose or acted like an a-hole, but I just didn't like the whole communication mess and lack of respect towards me and my time.

 

I do not check emails more than a few times a day - usually breakfast/lunch/dinner. I do not get emails on my phone. My phone is never off and texts are answered or deleted immediately. Family and friends are usually CALLs.

 

Am I still dwelling in 2009 ?

Was I an a-hole with that potential band?

Should I grow thicker skin?

Opinions welcome.

Professional musician = great source of poverty.

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With the band it was probably just the classic case of different expectations, for them, they were probably looking for something casual like come hang out with us and jam if you can make it, and probably just decided last minute, or somebody was like "hey we oughta invite that guy from CL". FWIW I would never even consider a band advertising on CL. Word of mouth or forget it.

Dan

 

Acoustic/Electric stringed instruments ranging from 4 to 230 strings, hammered, picked, fingered, slapped, and plucked. Analog and Digital Electronic instruments, reeds, and throat/mouth.

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I know Greg and you guys are discussing this at a deeper, more business-world or societal level, but I have to relate what happened to me recently.

 

I see a CL ad of a band looking for keys. The ad is detailed and maybe a little long winded, but they seem like older talented people doing some neat stuff. I respond that I'm interested and give me some songs to learn for an audition. They send back 11 tunes. Then nothing for a week. Then they email me with sort of a "Now, where were we in our conversations?" message. I reply that I got the tunes to learn and waiting for an audition date. Another week goes by and I get an email asking if I'm still interested in getting together. I reply, yes. I give them several dates I'm available and ask for at least a couple days notice to go over the tunes. Nothing for another week. Then, yesterday evening I see an email from them (time stamped 2pm, but was NOT there when checked my emails around 330 pm) that they are getting together tonight (Wednesday, day of the message) if want to come and visit with them.

I got pissed off and told them to find someone else and good luck. I really wanted to say eff-off and go die! Nothing for weeks at a time, then come over tonight???

This did not bode well for a good working relationship (a band is a business, right?). Maybe I did cut off my nose or acted like an a-hole, but I just didn't like the whole communication mess and lack of respect towards me and my time.

 

I do not check emails more than a few times a day - usually breakfast/lunch/dinner. I do not get emails on my phone. My phone is never off and texts are answered or deleted immediately. Family and friends are usually CALLs.

 

Am I still dwelling in 2009 ?

Was I an a-hole with that potential band?

Should I grow thicker skin?

Opinions welcome.

 

 

That sounds similar to women I used to try to date, and/or communicate with. They fish around, then act hot and cold, then cold and hot, as if they were trying to get the best deal.

Giving folks at least 48 hours notice for such a commitment is minimal.

 

My opinion is that you are perfectly legit and timely.

With perfect hind sight, maybe a phone call was needed to confirm whether or not the plans/details were firm and clear.

 

For my evening and up front time, I have certain expectations that have to be met or I go elsewhere.

I noticed some folks just want to wing it, last minute Charlie tuna, but I am not that

Why fit in, when you were born to stand out ?

My Soundcloud with many originals:

[70's Songwriter]

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I have a day job (ugh). Sometimes I have people on my team send me an email and then rush up to me 10 seconds later asking me breathlessly "did you get my email?". :hitt:

 

There are 2 sides to that story, I bet ;)

Why fit in, when you were born to stand out ?

My Soundcloud with many originals:

[70's Songwriter]

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Everyone is different. Myself being I worked in mainly computers over 35 years email was main form of communication both personally and for work. I had a computer consulting business for awhile and my business partner and best friend used email a lot for work. Even though my old business partner works in computer world living on email she avoids it like crazy for personal correspondence. Which now causes something big gaps in our communicating because I live on email and she doesn't she prefers telephone. It funny though she likes my emails, but doesn't respond to them she'll call instead.

 

Now the thing I don't like until recently is texting. At first because I was still working in corporate world and emails also were my paper trail if something went wrong, or someone said I didn't contact them email to the rescue. Then one of my last jobs before retiring my co-worker and my boss both lived on texting as there main form of communication. This was my first job outside the corporate world so at first I tried to ignore it and force them to email or call, but I finally had to give up and that's when I bought my first smartphone, I had been using a Nokia flip phone and loved it, but texting was a PIA on it. I have since grown to like texting since you can just send a text with what you need to say and be done, where if I call the person will probably want to chat and chew up my time.

 

As to getting back to people I do prefer people acknowledge email or text even if only a thumbs up or and "okay". Now my left over from corporate world is I hate long emails. In corporate world I came up in some of the biggest names in the biz in general it was taught that email should be only about a screen (page) long. If you have more to say than a page then write a document and attach it to an email. Text even shorter but I broke that rule this morning. I was having a conversation with someone who I knew I'd probably never talk to again, so we texted back and forth some messages kind of long.

 

Phone calls it depends on the context of the call and who it was from on how I respond. If I want to avoid a long conversation, but you need a reply your phone call may get a text as a response, so I am getting back to you.

 

That's my two-cents on the topic.

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Documentation is big for me. I often avoid phone calls for the simple fact that I'm not in an environment conducive to talking. If I do talk a call because I need to have the conversation to sort things out, I'll often end up asking for an email followup summarizing what we discussed. Because if I'm walking through the airport on my way to ground transportation, or driving my kids around to school dance, or sports, or driving between customer visits, I don't have the ability to stop and jot down a bunch of notes, and if I don't, things may fall through the cracks. So conversations still have to happen but it needs to still be written somewhere. And that's not just business, that's what time you want to meet for a drink and where, what songs do you want me to learn for the gig, what time is the family getting together in thanksgiving, etc. I almost never have a purely social phone conversation. I prefer those face to face.

Dan

 

Acoustic/Electric stringed instruments ranging from 4 to 230 strings, hammered, picked, fingered, slapped, and plucked. Analog and Digital Electronic instruments, reeds, and throat/mouth.

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Easy: when the tech went from being fascinating to being intrusive and finally, abusive. I spend a fair amount of effort defending myself against "information." Quite a few people want to get their oh-so-important messages across, but they come at me relentlessly, with a baseball bat over their heads, screaming "But sir, you'll really love this!!" No, I won't. Been there, hosed it from my shoes more than once. I've made a habit of prioritizing on a sharp sliding scale and none of my relationships or business activities have burst into flames over it. So far. Facts and rare emergencies first, median things that can percolate for a while next and pictures of public figures spliced with animals in bondage gear LAST. Gort may be hovering over me, but I don't have to let him into my spread sheets or my boudoir. Frankly, I'm glad smart phones came along after a time in which I would have posted a picture of my teats for potential future employers to see. The Internet comes bundled with Annie Wilkes at the help desk. :chainsaw::popcorn:

 "I want to be an intellectual, but I don't have the brainpower.
  The absent-mindedness, I've got that licked."
        ~ John Cleese

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For myself, texting has always been a mainstay, and I'll often ask in the text for people to respond even if its just, "OK". I also use texts to alert people that I've sent them an email. I save emails for when I've got alot to say, but I'm not someone who uses it or even checks it that often. Texting and esp emails are handy if you don't want to wake someone up. If I have a situation / problem to work out with someone, I REALLY like doing an email or long text to set the ground. I know that most people get a little heated in their communication, and there's really no chance to establish the groundwork of the situation at hand. I don't try to solve problems with emails, but I like covering the basics, which are usually challening/impossible to fit into a heated conversation.

 

I've also have this thing inside me where I INSIST on being heard. No matter the means of communication, but primarily spoken, I will not, and I would argue, can not move on until I know the other person understood what I'm saying. This goes both ways, I'm an excellent listener and try to follow the thread they're weaving.

 

My beef with a short attention span is that in spoken conversations most people IME don't respect the topic at hand. If I've brought something up, I usually don't go along with or tolerate others bringing in another topic based on a tangent on a subject that I'm still talking about. I don't see it as rude so much as a cultural thing, but I will talk over the person to let them know I wasn't finished with what I was saying. I do the same for people I'm talking for, I'm a good listener, and of course if the other person seems like they have a short attention span or don't have much time, I give the condensed version of what I'm saying, but usually I can't get 30 seconds into a conversation before someone is interjecting another, different topic.

 

 

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I have a busy life. If your email or text is not important, I will respond later. Period. It's called priority management.

 

 

ok, so what about Xmas cards ? Not on the priority list is my guess ;)

Why fit in, when you were born to stand out ?

My Soundcloud with many originals:

[70's Songwriter]

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Email I understand. I check my email maybe once every three days. Email is a chore because of all the spam. Once I retired I quit worrying about it.

 

Texts and college kids. ... ... ... Grrrrrrrrrr.

 

I send my great nephew, the one that I gave a guitar to, and a new Canon M50 camera, and .... Anyway, sometimes he text right back, sometimes he responds 2 days later, and sometimes I have to repeat my text in all caps proceeded with "I SAID". He usually responds quickly then with an excuse like I was studying, or was with friends, or was eating, or watching a movie, etc... Thing is, when we go eat, or are playing video games, or watching a movie, I've never seen him ignore the beep and not respond when his college buddies sends a text.

This post edited for speling.

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I'm of the generation of folks who could talk on the phone for hours at a time. :D

 

Still, to this day, I'm not short on conversation by any means necessary. Technology facilitates my communication.

 

Text messages and email allow me to multitask. Phone calls convey emotion and reduce misunderstanding.

 

So far, I haven't become that old man who's decided to fall off the grid believing the world has gone to h8ll in a handbasket. :laugh:

 

Until then, , I use talk, text and email regularly as another way to stay in the loop i.e. connected to humanity. :cool:

PD

 

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."--E. Ahbez "Nature Boy"

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