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Running into Old Band Members #3012060 10/12/19 03:41 PM
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Outkaster Offline OP
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Running into Old Band Members can be Awkward. Tonight I have to go to my former bass player's birthday party as some of my present members will be there and kind of roped me into it. This guy had quit on me three times in five years. To give you some background his playing was inconsistent among some other things. Small things became large things. After some back in forth we eventually came to the conclusion in August of 2016 that he should play the music he wants to play. He kind of was a show boater and really didn't like what he was doing with my group but he wanted to be in a popular band. The other members didn't feel it as much but emotionally and administratively I had to put up with it....and I thought I did because we were friends from way back in other groups but that I wasn't in charge of. I saw him once and it was weird at a party last summer. He had his bass and wanted to come up and play and we didn't let him. Then my present bass player was having surgery last October. I was in a bind for a bass player and at my singers insistence came and played a show with us and sounded bad. I was reminded why he isn't here and would have cancelled it in retrospect. At any rate it has been some time but my drummer is telling me we should come up and play some old Reggae songs. Apparently they have his band is currently playing. I have no desire because he really couldn't feel it and why would I want to relive something that constantly was a problem for 5 years? It's just not fun at this age and the reason I don't do many open jams. Sorry for the rant but maybe I will just go get a beer say hi and leave.

Last edited by Outkaster; 10/12/19 03:42 PM.

"Danny, ci manchi a tutti. La E-Street Band non e' la stessa senza di te. Riposa in pace, fratello"


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Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012064 10/12/19 04:37 PM
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you have a lot of experience and years in that business. And you are still very active as a B/L today.

In comparison, my band experience is distant , long distance, and a smaller ' sample size '.

But I am very active in music production.

About 2 yrs ago, I tried to re-connect with several of my prior band mates.
They are all in Illinois and I am in CA.

1 guy, a talented rock guitarist died of drug overdose. Several [ 60% ?}
gave up on music, and their drums, guitars, amps sit in the basement.
They don't want to talk about music or band memories.

3 of my old band mates are great friends , are enthusiastic, and
we are enjoy the re-connection , the nostalgia, etc. We talk
every month, email, etc etc.

I think being in bands is similar to love/hate. Deep emotions, etc.
As I noted, some don't want to be nostalgic for there own reasons.

Good topic. The band experience, and the depth of relationships, etc.

Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012066 10/12/19 05:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Outkaster
Sorry for the rant but maybe I will just go get a beer say hi and leave.
Go get a beer somewhere else. Stay home and have a beer.

Seriously, I understand about meeting old acquaintances and it being very awkward and uncomfortable, be it band mates you fired or bands you quit, wives you divorced, people who screwed you over one way or another. You don't have to do it. Simple as that. Why make yourself feel bad if you don't have to? You do not owe them anything.

Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012067 10/12/19 05:15 PM
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The other night at practice they were trying out a light board. Guitar player had borrowed it from a bass player I knew, and bass player says Hi.

I explained that bass player was in the first band I played in that made the jump from basement to bars. We were getting popular and decided to play a battle of the bands. At the contest, bass player screws up our show. Next thing we know another band is playing at the other side, and we see our bass player playing with them and rocking the show. He had betrayed us.

Bass player says hi? "F==k him". Have no intention of working with much less associating with a traitor ever again. Bass player may have won the battle but he lost the war.

Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012081 10/12/19 07:47 PM
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Whenever I run into old band members, I back up and run into them again...





















...becausde I miss them sometimes.

Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012082 10/12/19 07:59 PM
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The trick is to just not care. We all have past friends or acquaintances we don’t like for reasons small or large. The key to divorce is emotional - once you do not care, you are never again affected. I truly dislike the guitarist from my first band that became popular in my town back in the 80s. I won’t describe why other than i’m at my core a good and opinionated person and i don’t like people who are not good to other people. There are certain people that are only good to people they want or need something from. Then there’s us that are just naturally good to all people unless someone gives a specific reason to no longer be good to them.

We did a reunion show about 10 yrs ago and i was reminded of all of my prior opinions. Since I have ran into him a few times while i was out playing the last decade. He no longer plays, i imagine nobody would want to lol. I couldn’t care less if I see him or not. i’m not going to hang with him or sit with him or drink a beer with hi. he says hi, i say hi back. Where ya goin? Good to see ya, I have other people to be happy with over there. Hasta brah.

Just. Don’t. Care.


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Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: S_Gould] #3012091 10/12/19 08:53 PM
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Originally Posted by S_Gould
Whenever I run into old band members, I back up and run into them again...














...becausde I miss them sometimes.


grin

Ran into an old bandmate a few weeks ago at a Home Depot of all places. We definitely didn't see eye to eye when playing together, but we had a great time catching up. It had been years since I'd seen him, and all we talked about was the good stuff.

Time does wonders I guess...

Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012100 10/12/19 10:22 PM
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I’m pretty sure I don’t have a single bad relationship with anyone I have ever played with. Haven’t liked them all for sure, but they ARE behind me after all. There are always happy memories we could conjure up. Running into then in a social situation would be a pleasure.
Of course, I say that now while drinking a local 12% DIPA and watching the new CGI Lion King. I am “feeling the love tonight.”


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Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012137 10/13/19 09:20 AM
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Suddenly develop a blinding headache and throw a sickie. It always works as you are simply not well enough to go.

Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012152 10/13/19 01:14 PM
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One B/L I've worked with is bipolar (probably more as well). I remember a gig we did several years ago as a favor. The band was cool that it was a freebie and we all had a good time. Afterwards, we all helped load the drums into the B/L's van, said goodnight, and I drove home.

The next time I saw that B/L he was annoyed that I hadn't gone back and helped unload the drums as well. He hadn't asked anyone to return with him and I didn't recall ever doing it before either.

It's been years now, and there are other stories, like the time he asked the band for yet another freebie--a birthday gig for one of his friends. I was tempted to ask if they were getting the food and cake for free as well but kept my mouth shut. No keys at that gig though.

Fortunately, we've had the opportunity to talk a lot recently. He's getting counseling and medication now and has shared a lot about family, including difficulties with a son who's a drug addict.

I can definitely say that forgiveness is important.


When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a Moray.
Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012154 10/13/19 01:34 PM
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I haven't been in that many bands, but I'd say mostly it depends on a lot of life's givens like what relations there were, what the mutual or dissonant interests were, and especially when it's a group that's together for the occasion or a few sessions or whatever, that long friendship component that can surround bands might be absent. For some that could be a reason to not join a band, but prefer session work, for others, being friends as musicians doesn't necessarily mean the added hassle of working and possibly earning money together is a boon.

T.

Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Theo Verelst] #3012165 10/13/19 02:38 PM
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The responses here are so unlike my expectations. The thread could have been a vote...


How would you best like to run into Old Band Members?

1). Holding scissors.
2). Driving a truck.
3). With a chainsaw. (Yes the same one used on Roland keyboard amps)
4). With a hug.


What, no hugs?? hider

Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012166 10/13/19 02:52 PM
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When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a Moray.
Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Synthoid] #3012178 10/13/19 05:37 PM
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In a band situation that hug might frighten me!

Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012198 10/13/19 08:23 PM
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I've mostly learned to keep a certain professional distance from musicians until I've played with them for a really long time, and gotten to see how they run their lives. So I'm definitely cool with almost everyone I've ever shared a stage with.

There are two exceptions who leap immediately to mind, folks who I really don't want anything to do with. Both are guitarists, and both have terrible reputations in my musical communities. Well-deserved terrible reputations IMO.

--Dave


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I wants to get funked up.

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Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012226 10/14/19 12:24 AM
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Thankfully, its easy for me to move on.

I don't think I'd have any problem giving someone a simple wave while walking away.

Having said that, there are very few folks that I'd like to avoid... in retrospect, I've been able to depart on good terms with almost everyone.

Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012256 10/14/19 11:50 AM
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Outkaster Offline OP
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Listen to be clear I don't hate this guy but I won't lie, he dragged the band through some mud. I put up with it for 5 years until one day he started bitching about playing a venue that he saw another band playing in. He wanted to get booked there when the sound engineer and I told him we couldn't fit there. That was the last straw and he then continued to argue about band marketing. We had a little back in forth conversation, he tried to test me and I finally let him go. I always tell band members when you hurt the band, your hurting other people and mostly yourself....always. Some members were sad at first when he parted ways, I was and wasn't...it was a relief because he was a pain. In some ways he was kind of a friend but the band had to move forward...... I wish he'd been honest with himself and not just been along for the ride.

Last edited by Outkaster; 10/14/19 04:44 PM.

"Danny, ci manchi a tutti. La E-Street Band non e' la stessa senza di te. Riposa in pace, fratello"


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Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012274 10/14/19 02:37 PM
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I ran into an old band mate Saturday at a gig. He had been the guitar player in the band I'm currently in. It had been where I had to play left hand bass, because it was guitar, keys, drums, and sax. The guitar player and sax player both left at the same time, and we replaced with a different guitar player, and a bass player.

I went over and shook his hand, said the obligatory "How you been?", heard the "You guys sound great", then moved on.

There's usually a reason they are FORMER bandmates.


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So God helped him and created woman.

Now everybody's got the blues."

Willie Dixon




Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012278 10/14/19 02:55 PM
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I've not been in a band recently, for reasons beyond the musical.

It's unpleasant when people that create bands (I've done that once or twice myself) use "The Band" as an excuse for superiority even if thus idea could be justified. Normally, I think there's normal respect for someone putting in the time and effort to create and manage a band, and even for the inspiration and, if so, the leadership. It's easy in a sense to abuse the good will of sensitive egos in a band for a schemer and his or her personality, usually, which IMO should at time lead to the removal of such persons from a good band, even if there's some conservative sounding reason to keep supporting that person in a band role. In my experience that doesn't always happen and that's usually not a great idea.

Times change, but I don't think band professionalism should be generally changed into accepting treacherous "new" ways just because they appear fashionable, and dealing band members with respect for their contributions in such an artistic correlation as a group of people setting out to make music together should not be replaced by some form of "right" to play too much or abuse others or obviously dragging the other members through some mud for no particular reason except power games or secondary purposes (compared to making music and enjoying the people that usually facilitate such).

T

Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012281 10/14/19 03:16 PM
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thu


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Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Theo Verelst] #3012287 10/14/19 03:52 PM
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Outkaster Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Theo Verelst
I've not been in a band recently, for reasons beyond the musical.

It's unpleasant when people that create bands (I've done that once or twice myself) use "The Band" as an excuse for superiority even if thus idea could be justified. Normally, I think there's normal respect for someone putting in the time and effort to create and manage a band, and even for the inspiration and, if so, the leadership. It's easy in a sense to abuse the good will of sensitive egos in a band for a schemer and his or her personality, usually, which IMO should at time lead to the removal of such persons from a good band, even if there's some conservative sounding reason to keep supporting that person in a band role. In my experience that doesn't always happen and that's usually not a great idea.

Times change, but I don't think band professionalism should be generally changed into accepting treacherous "new" ways just because they appear fashionable, and dealing band members with respect for their contributions in such an artistic correlation as a group of people setting out to make music together should not be replaced by some form of "right" to play too much or abuse others or obviously dragging the other members through some mud for no particular reason except power games or secondary purposes (compared to making music and enjoying the people that usually facilitate such).

T



OK Theo so what about people that don't abuse leadership? I might be a language barrier but your post almost makes it seem like I am using it for an "excuse for superiority" when that is not the case at all or else the band wouldn't have been successful for 8 years. Your always going to have one or two people leading the band. Some, in fact most members don't do shit except bitch so I work around them. If they don't want to help market the band or chip in I do it myself. I took the social media promotional responsibilities away from someone because of it. I took away a former members responsibility to help with booking also because of too many administrative mistakes and they don't work with me anymore.


"Danny, ci manchi a tutti. La E-Street Band non e' la stessa senza di te. Riposa in pace, fratello"


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Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012289 10/14/19 04:06 PM
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European double lines aside: if you tried to communicate the person wasn't doing right by you, that's what I'm talking about except apparently the person at hand wasn't leading much, and so essentially disrespected you in some way. Same logic, different roles.

I would look top down first, where I come from, but even if the person being dishonest doesn't have the star role and isn't the leader (and there for abusing their leadership) of course that's not right. Communication can be hard, especially when the situation is stressed, it's just: what does it cost you to correct the situation I was wondering about.

T

Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012291 10/14/19 04:18 PM
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When I see certain ex band members out on the town all they talk about is their band, their gigs and how great everything is. I'm happy for them and once they are done telling me all this stuff I didn't ask about, they move on to the next person. On FB it's a constant stream of invites and resharing the same gigs. Support local music! Other than promoting their bands they aren't engaged with their "friends" on FB or IRL. We can be discussing BBQ or cars or the local scene. Crickets other than "catch us at Mo's Tavern this friday night, support local music!". Gets old.

Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012295 10/14/19 04:42 PM
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Outkaster Offline OP
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Yeah that is a pain in the ass. I see that all the time. I have noticed also in two cases that most people that get fired/quit never really have anything good musically going on when you do see them. They'll oversell you on the fact that they do though.

Last edited by Outkaster; 10/14/19 04:46 PM.

"Danny, ci manchi a tutti. La E-Street Band non e' la stessa senza di te. Riposa in pace, fratello"


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Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012377 10/15/19 02:04 AM
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Like you, every time I have gotten together to play, even casually, with ex-band mates, I quickly remember why they are ex-band mates. It's never been an enjoyable experience for me. The saying that a leopard doesn't change its spots comes to mind.


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Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012381 10/15/19 02:30 AM
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Given that I'm no spring chicken anymore, all of the band players I run into are old.


Dan

Acoustic/Electric stringed instruments ranging from 4 to 230 strings, hammered, picked, fingered, slapped, and plucked. Analog and Digital Electronic instruments, reeds, and throat/mouth.
Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: J. Dead] #3012441 10/15/19 02:24 PM
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In the late 90s I got to see the backstage experience of The Righteous Brothers before Bobby Hatfield passed.

In their contract was the assurance that they would only see each other on stage during the gig. Separate flights, limos, hotels, restaurants, etc. No contact!

Once big money comes into the equation, it’s a business. You don’t have to like each other, just get the gig done, and get the check.

Me, I’ve never been in that situation, but still have played with people I wouldn’t hang out with. Just like regular folks with jobs.

Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012442 10/15/19 02:40 PM
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I know a guy that pays people flat amounts that he hires. That way if they sign a contract they sign away the right to have a say in song selection, venues, gigs and so forth. It seems to work well for him like that. In some ways being that big would save you a lot of headaches but the other side of it is you really wouldn't want to be onstage with someone that you have an adversarial relationship with.


"Danny, ci manchi a tutti. La E-Street Band non e' la stessa senza di te. Riposa in pace, fratello"


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Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012448 10/15/19 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Outkaster
In some ways being that big would save you a lot of headaches but the other side of it is you really wouldn't want to be onstage with someone that you have an adversarial relationship with.
I imagine Don Felder could tell us all a thing or two about that. wink


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Re: Running into Old Band Members [Re: Outkaster] #3012452 10/15/19 03:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Outkaster
I know a guy that pays people flat amounts that he hires. That way if they sign a contract they sign away the right to have a say in song selection, venues, gigs and so forth. It seems to work well for him like that. In some ways being that big would save you a lot of headaches but the other side of it is you really wouldn't want to be onstage with someone that you have an adversarial relationship with.


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