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OT: Judgement call, need input? #3000213 07/25/19 02:11 PM
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Winston Psmith Offline OP
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Some of you will recall, back in February, I think, I put up a long post about an old friend who'd asked me to play Music for her birthday party, and how I never even got to play. (Poor planning on her part, plus a band of her younger friends using up all the time, just an all-around screw-up.)

Fast forward to this AM, when I get a voicemail from this same person, telling me her father has died, and now she would like me to play for some as-yet-unplanned memorial event. I am torn among three options:

One, I just delete the call and forget the whole thing.

Two, I call her back and remind her what happened last time, and ask why she even bothered to call me now.

Three, I call back and tell her I have too much going on, no matter when the memorial is scheduled.

Yeah, I know, not very compassionate responses. Let's just say I have no intention of packing up myself and my gear for nothing, again.

I know at least some of you are better people than I am, so I'm open to suggestions. If it were just another party, Birthday, Promotion, Retirement, what-have-you, I wouldn't even think about responding. I didn't really know her father at all, so it's not as if I'd be going to pay my respects to someone I was close with. Still, I'm not altogether right with this.

Heading out to landscape work for the day, will check back later. Thanks, all.

Last edited by Winston Psmith; 07/25/19 02:20 PM. Reason: garbled voicemail

"Monsters are real, and Ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win." Stephen King

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Re: OT: Judgement call, need input? [Re: Winston Psmith] #3000218 07/25/19 02:24 PM
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Four, you call back and ask her when the memorial is. If she doesn’t have the date, have her call you back when she does so you can check your schedule.

Once the date is firm, tell her you have too much going on, no matter when the memorial is scheduled.


Sturgeon's 2nd Law, a.k.a. Sturgeon's Revelation:
Re: OT: Judgement call, need input? [Re: Winston Psmith] #3000221 07/25/19 02:38 PM
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@ Winston, Option 3...Call her back and tell her you are sorry to hear of her loss. Right now your schedule is full and you need to protect your time off. You do not know when you will be taking bookings again and thank her for contacting you. +1 on Danny's Option 4 too. cool


Take care, Larryz
Re: OT: Judgement call, need input? [Re: Dannyalcatraz] #3000226 07/25/19 02:59 PM
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Scott Fraser Offline
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Originally Posted by Dannyalcatraz
Four, you call back and ask her when the memorial is. If she doesn’t have the date, have her call you back when she does so you can check your schedule.
Once the date is firm, tell her you have too much going on, no matter when the memorial is scheduled.


+1.

There's not really any benefit, for anybody, of you telling her the real reason you're not available, which is "You f**ked up, & I'm not giving you the opportunity to screw me again." Render your condolences for her loss, tell her that date has been booked for months.


Scott Fraser
Re: OT: Judgement call, need input? [Re: Winston Psmith] #3000239 07/25/19 03:53 PM
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Good luck with your decision. I have no opinion on what you should do in this case. What would I do? That all depends on how good a friend she is, and how much you think her friendship is worth.


dbm
If it sounds good, it is good !!
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Re: OT: Judgement call, need input? [Re: Winston Psmith] #3000240 07/25/19 03:53 PM
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Your option 3 sounds good just saying too busy - but getting her to spend time to set up date and call you back before telling her too busy might give some payback satisfaction. Jim

Re: OT: Judgement call, need input? [Re: Scott Fraser] #3000275 07/25/19 07:06 PM
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Winston Psmith Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Scott Fraser
Originally Posted by Dannyalcatraz
Four, you call back and ask her when the memorial is. If she doesn’t have the date, have her call you back when she does so you can check your schedule.
Once the date is firm, tell her you have too much going on, no matter when the memorial is scheduled.


+1.

There's not really any benefit, for anybody, of you telling her the real reason you're not available, which is "You f**ked up, & I'm not giving you the opportunity to screw me again." Render your condolences for her loss, tell her that date has been booked for months.


Thanks all. No real thought of abusing someone who just lost her dad, but thank you, Scott, for putting it out there, so that's done. I was honestly surprised that she called at all, for anything, as I hadn't heard a word since the b'day party.

I have no desire for any kind of payback, no desire to have her call me back with tentative dates for something I'm not going to take part in (that just seems mean-spirited, and a waste of my time, as well), and no relationship I'm trying to preserve here.

Some version of, "Sorry about your dad, but I'm booked up." will have to do. Thanks again, everyone, I know I did the right thing asking for a 2nd, 3rd or even 17th opinion in here.


"Monsters are real, and Ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win." Stephen King

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Re: OT: Judgement call, need input? [Re: Winston Psmith] #3000318 07/26/19 01:23 AM
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Sharkman Offline
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Either option 3, or Danny's option 4 (my personal favorite). This way, you don't get screwed again, and you look classy instead of petty and grumpy. Yes, you have every right to be irate with her, but it looks better if you look like the nice guy who would love to be there, but has something else scheduled. And to play itself, find something to do that day and time.


I rock; therefore, I am.
Re: OT: Judgement call, need input? [Re: Winston Psmith] #3000340 07/26/19 04:20 AM
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Caevan O'Shite Offline
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Offer your sincere condolences and politely decline, simply stating "I'm sorry, but can't make that"; if further pressed for reasons, give your choice.


Ask yourself- What Would Ren and Stimpy Do?

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Re: OT: Judgement call, need input? [Re: Winston Psmith] #3000566 07/27/19 05:15 PM
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Be honest with her. If you wanna help her out at a hard time, go do it and never bring up the previous party again.

Or, explain to her that showing up to play at her last occasion and being slighted by her poor planning and those inconsiderate young friends offended you a lot. Tell her you are sorry for her loss, but that you don't really feel like you can participate.

It probably won't be necessary, but if you think it is, tell her your friendship is over. My guess is it will be.


Always remember that you�re unique. Just like everyone else.



Re: OT: Judgement call, need input? [Re: picker] #3000580 07/27/19 07:25 PM
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Winston Psmith Offline OP
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Originally Posted by picker
Be honest with her. If you wanna help her out at a hard time, go do it and never bring up the previous party again.

Or, explain to her that showing up to play at her last occasion and being slighted by her poor planning and those inconsiderate young friends offended you a lot. Tell her you are sorry for her loss, but that you don't really feel like you can participate.

It probably won't be necessary, but if you think it is, tell her your friendship is over. My guess is it will be.


After much good advice from the folks in here, I decided on a middle ground approach. I called to say how sorry I was about her father, and said nothing about the previous non-event. You have to pick your battles in this life, and at this point, I'd prefer to fight for things that have meaning, not simply for meanness' sake.

There's no concrete plan in place for a memorial, as yet, and I have no idea what form it will take, once there is a plan. Still, unless I really am otherwise engaged, there's no reason not to go and wish my friend's father peace on his next journey; I don't need to bring any gear for that.


"Monsters are real, and Ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win." Stephen King

http://www.novparolo.com
Re: OT: Judgement call, need input? [Re: Winston Psmith] #3000594 07/27/19 10:42 PM
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Caevan O'Shite Offline
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Originally Posted by Winston Psmith
After much good advice from the folks in here, I decided on a middle ground approach. I called to say how sorry I was about her father, and said nothing about the previous non-event. You have to pick your battles in this life, and at this point, I'd prefer to fight for things that have meaning, not simply for meanness' sake.

There's no concrete plan in place for a memorial, as yet, and I have no idea what form it will take, once there is a plan. Still, unless I really am otherwise engaged, there's no reason not to go and wish my friend's father peace on his next journey; I don't need to bring any gear for that.


like clap


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Re: OT: Judgement call, need input? [Re: Winston Psmith] #3001014 07/30/19 11:13 AM
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When friends are involved with your craft, it's best to always keep things on the business level. You know the saying, "It's nothing personal, it's just business."

Therefore...

Because you earn a living (or at least supplement it) with your music, I would have required (after a date has been established and agreed upon... in writing) that your fee (a nonrefundable one) be paid up front. Then if for whatever reason you fail to perform (because of sickness, life events), the fee is then promptly refunded.


"Treat your wife with honor, respect, and understanding as you live together so that you can pray effectively as husband and wife." 1 Peter 3:7
Re: OT: Judgement call, need input? [Re: BiC] #3001020 07/30/19 12:28 PM
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Winston Psmith Offline OP
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@BiC - Good to see you here, it's been a while!

Thank you for the sound advice. Certainly worth remembering for the future. In this case, I'll either hear that there's a memorial service, and go pay my respects as a friend of the family, or I won't hear anything, and thus . . .


"Monsters are real, and Ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win." Stephen King

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Re: OT: Judgement call, need input? [Re: Scott Fraser] #3001100 07/30/19 08:46 PM
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d / halfnote Offline
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Originally Posted by Scott Fraser
Originally Posted by Dannyalcatraz
Four, you call back and ask her when the memorial is. If she doesn’t have the date, have her call you back when she does so you can check your schedule.
Once the date is firm, tell her you have too much going on, no matter when the memorial is scheduled.


+1.

There's not really any benefit, for anybody, of you telling her the real reason you're not available, which is "You f**ked up, & I'm not giving you the opportunity to screw me again." Render your condolences for her loss, tell her that date has been booked for months.


Yes but that's really just being the kinda person, none of us really wants to be, innit ?

I vote for another option.
Contact & explain how you really feel (if this fits how you feel...)...
That you were v disappointed by the prior experience & (perhaps) wish you could play there but don't want to have it wind up the same way.
Even if you aren't interested in being extra nice, you'll feel better having honestly expressed yer previous feelings
&
it might make them more self-aware.
Who be's knowin' ?
Ya might even get yer friend back.
idk


d=halfnote
Re: OT: Judgement call, need input? [Re: Winston Psmith] #3002231 08/08/19 03:33 AM
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Tough call. She still values you, and the previous event may have gotten away on her. It happens.


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Re: OT: Judgement call, need input? [Re: Bluesape] #3002258 08/08/19 12:56 PM
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Winston Psmith Offline OP
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@d and Bluesape - Thank you both for chiming in. I called to express me sympathy for her loss, saying nothing about the previous non-event, and we talked for a bit. I have yet to hear about a date for a memorial service, but it costs me nothing to go and pay my respects to her father, if I do hear back from her.


"Monsters are real, and Ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win." Stephen King

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