The Real MC Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 This guy is walking along the Rio Grande river in Texas and comes across a Mexican drug gang member in the waters, struggling to stay afloat because of the illegal drugs he is carrying in his backpack. Not far from him is an extremist muslim also struggling in the waters to stay afloat because of all the WMDs he is carrying. So the guy decides to do his patriotic duty. He notifies the El Paso Sheriff dept, and the dept of Homeland Security. Later in the day, both men have drowned and the authorities have not yet responded. At this time the guy is starting to resent that he has wasted two postage stamps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ITGITC Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 One day a teacher was talking about marriage in college class. Teacher: What kind of wife would you likeCharles? Charles: I would want a wife like the Moon. Teacher: Wow! What a choice... Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon? Charles: No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning. Quote "Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." - Victor Hugo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
opdigits Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 Don't know if this one has been posted here before, but even if it has it's worth dragging out every once in a while: EUROPEAN THREAT ALERTS - 2013 by JOHN CLEESE The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Once "sort of English" Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right mate". Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level. Regards, John Cleese , British writer, actor and tall person And as a final thought ... Greece is collapsing, the Iranians (Persians) are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 B.C. Quote Nobody told me there'd be days like these... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ITGITC Posted September 15, 2013 Share Posted September 15, 2013 http://i.imgur.com/op9fSbe.gif Quote "Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." - Victor Hugo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moon Zero Two Posted September 15, 2013 Share Posted September 15, 2013 man it's hard to upload a picture to the forum... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wmp Posted September 15, 2013 Share Posted September 15, 2013 man it's hard to upload a picture to the forum... Probably because you can't. You have to link to an image hosted elsewhere. Hit the quote button on a post containing an image to see how to do that. I like your dogs, Tom! I dig John Cleese too. My security level today is don't harsh my buzz. Quote --wmp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Emm Posted September 15, 2013 Share Posted September 15, 2013 A friend's son just got back from a tour of Afcrapistan and told me this evil joke he picked up there: A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender lays a shotgun on the bar and says "Beat it, you troublemakers, I run a respectable joint!" Quote "I like that rapper with the bullet in his nose!" "Yeah, Bulletnose! One sneeze and the whole place goes up!" ~ "King of the Hill" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottasin Posted September 15, 2013 Share Posted September 15, 2013 Piano for hip hop and rap. http://b3and88.com/img/hip-hop-piano.jpg I wonder why it has a music desk. Probably for blunts. I take offense to this, you old geezers just don't know the good stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wmp Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 I take offense to this, you old geezers just don't know the good stuff. Harshing you buzz? Sorry. To an old geezer, this is the good stuff in hip hop. [video:youtube]VXlzWMIw4rw Quote --wmp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ITGITC Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 [video:youtube] Speakers on! Happy Halloween! Quote "Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." - Victor Hugo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ITGITC Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The sweet shop owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of chocolates. Then the liquor store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne ?" "No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!" Quote "Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." - Victor Hugo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I-missRichardTee Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner with the family. "Son, where were you today?", asked dad. The son says, "at school." Robot slaps the son! "OK, I watched a DVD at my buddies house!" "Which one?", asks Dad. "Toy Story." Robot slaps the son again! "OK, OK, it was a porn" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was," says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs and says, "He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom! Quote You don't have ideas, ideas have you We see the world, not as it is, but as we are. "One mans food is another mans poison". I defend your right to speak hate. Tolerance to a point, not agreement Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linwood Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I was working with an ad guy today and he asked: " Would you say this is 4/4 or 3/4? I go: " It's 4/4." He replies: " Hmmm...I thought 4/4 was faster than that." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brettymike Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 I think you guy's will enjoy a ton of laughs with Jeff Dunham and "Walter" > http://youtu.be/Zcnoh3oJJKs And "Achmed the dead terrorist" > http://youtu.be/1uwOL4rB-go And David Strassman with "Angel" > If I had my time over again , I think I would love to be a great Ventriloquist!!! . Brett Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wmp Posted November 13, 2013 Share Posted November 13, 2013 There's a Lexus in the parking lot with the lights on. Does it belong to anybody in the band? Quote --wmp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linwood Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 http://www.wimp.com/boxersleep/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stillplaying Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 There's a Lexus in the parking lot with the lights on. Does it belong to anybody in the band? Love that. A true working musicians' joke. Quote I'm the piano player "off of" Borrowed Books. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morizzle Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 Love this Tom Waits bit. Not totally safe for work, though. [video:youtube] Quote It's not a clone, it's a Suzuki. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morizzle Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 A man goes into a music store, turns to the clerk, says "guuuuuuuuh" and drools a little. The clerk replies: "Sure. Four or five strings?" Quote It's not a clone, it's a Suzuki. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DulceLabs.com Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I came in like a WRECKING BALL! http://mybadelf.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/2013-10-14-WreckingBall.jpg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morizzle Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 A girl walks through the park and notices a frog in the grass. She carefully comes closer, the frog sees her and says: "Help me! I'm a cursed jazz musician. I can only change back to my human appearance if you kiss me." The girl picks up the frog, thinks for a second, and eventually says: "No thanks, I think I can make more money with a talking frog." Quote It's not a clone, it's a Suzuki. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real MC Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 Politically Correct Santa 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves", "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu . Happy Holidays! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real MC Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 [video:youtube]D70ncWgRJrw Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RudyS Posted December 22, 2013 Share Posted December 22, 2013 A man goes into a music store, turns to the clerk, says "guuuuuuuuh" and drools a little. The clerk replies: "Sure. Four or five strings?" Quote Rudy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theo Verelst Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 This one most of you will know, but now imagine the cool B*tt-head stands for Dave Smith, and senior Beavis stands for Dr Moog: [video:youtube] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hurricane hugo Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/comment/8/2011/12/a8254b8d02caaff3bbb50de68c273a02/340x.gif Quote http://blip.fm/invite/WorkRelease Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linwood Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 I guess sooner or later, someone had to do it....Dirty Loops parodies Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Emm Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Mother Superior calls the nuns together for a meeting. "I hate to have to tell you this, but there is a case of gonorrhea in the convent." An old nun in the back hollers "Thank GOD! I was getting sick of chardonnay!" Quote "I like that rapper with the bullet in his nose!" "Yeah, Bulletnose! One sneeze and the whole place goes up!" ~ "King of the Hill" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DulceLabs.com Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 [video:youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4luHEVjqKA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J. Dan Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 http://media.riverfronttimes.com/9562280.0.jpg Quote Dan Acoustic/Electric stringed instruments ranging from 4 to 230 strings, hammered, picked, fingered, slapped, and plucked. Analog and Digital Electronic instruments, reeds, and throat/mouth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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