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#2501252 - 06/11/13 04:15 PM Is my peculiar word worder acceptable?
Lazarus Offline

Registered: 06/11/13
Posts: 1
In a poem/lyrics that I wrote, I used some word order inversions that at the time I wrote seemed creative to me, but now I am not so sure the result is acceptable. I would like your opinions.
The poem apparently describes a man praising his woman, but at the end the reader discovers that the man is an astronaut and the "woman" is actually the planet Mars that he is visiting and investigating. I did it that way to establish an analogy between the scientist's passion and a man's love for a woman. At one part of the poem, the idea is "I have come to this planet to investigate its surface, go up its mountains and have fun investigating its caves" but the wording I used was (with many inversions):
"Your skin I've come to undress
But fall, succumb and surrender
Pink mounts I'll climb and caress
Dark caves I'll find very tender"

#2501368 - 06/12/13 04:01 AM Re: Is my peculiar word worder acceptable? [Re: Lazarus]
Griffinator Offline
TPS cook & bottle washer
20k Club

Registered: 03/28/02
Posts: 20318
Loc: Lynchburg, VA, USA
Sounds a bit forced to me.

#2501374 - 06/12/13 04:26 AM Re: Is my peculiar word worder acceptable? [Re: Griffinator]
Joe Muscara Offline
Triple Secret Banninated
20k Club

Registered: 02/21/05
Posts: 20005
Loc: Heaven, Hell, or Houston
It seems okay to me, but I would have left out the explanation to avoid biases.

On a second reading, some of the phrases are a bit much if it were about a woman, "pink mounts" and "dark caves." If a person was thinking that was about a woman, they'd be like, "ewww."

I don't have issue with the structure, though.
We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams Willy Wonka

#2606171 - 06/24/14 04:20 PM Re: Is my peculiar word worder acceptable? [Re: Joe Muscara]
atFulcrum Offline
Senior Member

Registered: 10/19/10
Posts: 43
Loc: here I am, you're looking at m...
If that's not the way you'd say it to a lover in real life, it's not going to ring true when you sing it to her either.

#2643119 - 11/24/14 06:19 PM Re: Is my peculiar word worder acceptable? [Re: Lazarus]
skipclone 1 Offline
MP Hall of Fame Member

Registered: 08/21/03
Posts: 8273
Loc: Japan
Omit the word `very`.
You can compensate for the meter by using `I will` instead of `I`ll`.
Same old surprises, brand new cliches-

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