In a poem/lyrics that I wrote, I used some word order inversions that at the time I wrote seemed creative to me, but now I am not so sure the result is acceptable. I would like your opinions.
The poem apparently describes a man praising his woman, but at the end the reader discovers that the man is an astronaut and the "woman" is actually the planet Mars that he is visiting and investigating. I did it that way to establish an analogy between the scientist's passion and a man's love for a woman. At one part of the poem, the idea is "I have come to this planet to investigate its surface, go up its mountains and have fun investigating its caves" but the wording I used was (with many inversions):
"Your skin I've come to undress
But fall, succumb and surrender
Pink mounts I'll climb and caress
Dark caves I'll find very tender"