OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!

[arX]

For fellow science nerds:

 

http://img560.imageshack.us/img560/1396/31651703.jpg

[ITGITC]

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.

 

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

 

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

 

The DEA officer verbally explodes. "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means that I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land. No questions asked. No answers given. Have I made myself clear old man?"

 

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and quickly looks up to see the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's huge Santa Gertrudis Bull.

 

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems very likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

 

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...

 

"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"

 

http://www.sundownpastoral.com.au/images/salor_bull1.jpg

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

This one is dedicated to Joe Muskapoopee:

 

THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN TEXAS ...

 

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

 

 

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas .

 

 

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Texas , plus a couple no one's seen before.

 

 

If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha, (and as far as I'm concerned, that goes for those little gecko creatures on the front porch and by the outdoor water faucet.)

 

 

Onced and Twiced are words.

 

 

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

 

 

Jawl-P? means, Did you all go to the bathroom?

 

 

People actually grow, eat and like okra.

 

 

'Fixinto' is one word. It means I'm going to do that.

 

 

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

 

 

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

It is referred to as the Wine of Texas .

 

 

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

 

 

The word 'jeet' is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

 

 

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

 

 

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

 

 

Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural.

 

 

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

 

 

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

 

 

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.

 

 

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.

 

 

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

 

 

You know what a hissy fit is and you don't have em, you pitch em

 

 

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

 

 

We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

 

 

You understand these jokes and forward them to your Texas friends and those who just wish they were from TEXAS .

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Joe Muscara]

Thanks Tom. My then-soon-to-be-wife should have given me a copy of this before I moved here. Then again, maybe it was a good thing she didn't!

[ITGITC]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man

walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

 

One student said to his friend:

"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.

Those people walk just like that."

 

The other student says:

"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.

He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

 

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him

and one of the students said to him,

"We're medical students and couldn't help

but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.

Could you tell us what it is?"

 

The old man said,

"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

 

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

 

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 

 

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

 

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 

 

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

 

 

The old man said,

"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

 

 

 

[steadyb]

An older lady walks into a tattoo shop and tells the artist she wants a tattoo of her two favorite actors. She tells him she wants Paul Newman on the inside of her right thigh and Robert Redford on the inside of her left thigh.

 

So the artist gets done with the tattoo, she looks at it and says, "that looks absolutely nothing like Paul Newman or Robert Redford!"

 

Around this time, a drunk happens to be staggering by, so the guy goes out and grabs him, takes him inside, the lady gets back on the table, spreads her legs, and the artist asks the man who he sees. To which he replies, "I don't know who the hell two of those guys are, but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson!"

[The Real MC]

 

 

 

[ITGITC]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

 

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

 

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

 

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

 

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

 

Bubba,

 

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.

 

Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

 

Better wait outside. Be right back.

 

Cooter

 

 

[The Real MC]

Male Baldness Patterns

 

Men who are bald on the front of the head are thinkers.

 

Men who are completely bald are sexy.

 

Men who are bald on the back of the head think they are sexy.

 

(Heard that from my HS english teacher way back in the 70s)

[e-keys]

Male Baldness Patterns

 

Men who are bald on the front of the head are thinkers.

 

Men who are completely bald are sexy.

 

Men who are bald on the back of the head think they are sexy.

 

(Heard that from my HS english teacher way back in the 70s)

 

Heard about a organization of bald men (for real) years ago. They had a motto that went something like this: No plugs, No Drugs, Or Rugs. Bald is beautiful.

 

[The Real MC]

Someone has WAY too much time on their hands

 

[video:youtube]2kotK9FNEYU

[ITGITC]

-----------------------------

 

An Italian MaMa Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

 

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

 

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

 

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

 

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

 

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:

 

Dear MaMa,

 

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

 

Your Loving Son

Anthony

 

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:

 

Dear son,

 

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

 

Your Loving MaMa

 

 

Moral: Never Bulla Shita you MaMa

 

 

[The Real MC]

Time for limericks!

 

Woe, alack, and alas

I'm held together by intestinal gas

Every time that I fart,

Something else comes apart

And look! There's a crack in my a##!

 

There once was a Moog and an Arp

That made sounds that were really sharp

Then one day they were collected

and then (gasp!) neglected

'Cause they all just sat under a tarp.

[Chris Link]

Someone has WAY too much time on their hands

 

[video:youtube]2kotK9FNEYU

 

This is kinda fun as well.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECl_ncZIkd0

[ITGITC]

 

Izzit FRIDAY yet? Why yes. Yes it is.

 

Romance in the morning

 

 

This morning, when I woke up she was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

 

As I walked in she turned to me and softly said, "You've GOT to make love to me this very moment!"

 

My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is starting out to be a very, very good day."

 

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

 

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove with her T-shirt still up around her neck.

 

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "Not that I'm complaining but what was that all about?"

 

Looking back over her shoulder she smiled sweetly and said,

 

"The egg timer's broken."

 

Have a great weekend... ya Lemonhead Aliens!

 

Tom

 

http://resources1.news.com.au/images/2009/08/17/1225762/893793-dtstory-lemonhead.jpg

 

 

Do Not Klonk!

[johnchop]

Wait for it...

 

[video:youtube]0c-CvPgyO6s

[ITGITC]

The Dead Cow and Vet School

 

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

 

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

 

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

 

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

 

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation.

 

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger." "Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

 

 

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

 

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

 

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

 

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

 

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f***ing cat."

 

 

The blonde went into a shoe store to buy a pair of alligator shoes.

 

After trying them on, she asked about the price. Learning that the shoes were very expensive, she decided she would go out into the bayou and get her own alligator shoes.

 

Later that afternoon, the shopkeeper was on his way home, going through the bayou, when he noticed the same blonde with a 12-gauge shotgun.

 

She was dragging a 12-foot alligator onto the bank, where she stacked it near a large pile of alligators.

 

As she turned the gator over, he heard her shout, "Dang, this one isn't wearing shoes either."

 

 

Speaking of blonde....

 

A woman calls the fire department frantically, "Hurry, my kitchen's on fire."

 

The Fire Department dispatcher says, "OK lady, please calm down. Tell us how we get there?"

 

The woman pauses, "Duh? Big red truck."

 

 

Little Mary was not the best student in Religion Class.

 

Usually she slept through the whole period. One day Sister called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created universe?"

 

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, a smart-ass boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the butt. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary and Sister said, "Very good." Mary went back to sleep.

 

A while later Sister asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

 

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and Sister said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

 

Then Sister asked Mary a third question.

 

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

 

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

 

And Sister fainted.

 

[ITGITC]

 

 

OK - this is SO WRONG!!

 

Mother's Day Photo Slideshow from MSNBC.COM

 

Whatever you do, DON'T view photo #9, with a mouthful of anything!!

 

You have been warned!

 

KLONK!

[Morizzle]

Okay, so everybody on the internet knows this, right?

 

[video:youtube]

 

Well, here's an even worse version:

 

[video:youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0o2ufv_c0xI

[The Real MC]

Well, here's an even worse version:

 

The first 40 seconds was more than enough

 

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_gWQaU40PH24/TMp9fG0FM3I/AAAAAAAAJn4/0J_rgUM2dGY/s1600/181148-triple_facepalm_super.jpg

[Justin Havu]

THE MAN RULES

 

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

 

We always hear "the rules" from the female side... now here are the rules from the male side.

 

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

 

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 

1. Sunday sports or news, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

 

1.. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

 

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

 

1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Cars.

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

 

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

 

 

MORE RULES

 

- A headache that lasts more than 72 hours is a problem. See a doctor.

 

- YES and NO are perfectly acceptable answers to almost EVERY question.

 

- Shopping is NOT a sport!

[Chris Link]

Okay, so everybody on the internet knows this, right?

 

[video:youtube]

 

At least they had the KB player loud enough in the mix.

[ITGITC]

 

A good friend in the USAF just sent this to me...

 

No Sex Since 1955

 

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

 

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

 

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

 

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

 

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

 

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

 

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

 

"1955, ma'am."

 

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

 

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

 

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

 

Gotta love military time.

 

Tom

 

 

 

[Threadslayer]

One good Crusty old Marine Sergeant Major joke deserves another.

The COMSM goes to a local barbershop and notices that the base C.O., a Colonel, is in the next chair. Both barbers finish up at about the same time, and one asks the Colonel "Shall I rub some Bay Rum on to finish up sir?". "Hell, No!" said the Colonel, "if I come home smelling like that my wife will think I spent the afternoon in a whorehouse!" The other barber asks the COMSM the same thing, and he replies "Sure, lather it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

[linwood]

[video:youtube]

[Analogaddict]

LOL! I actually thought the first passage from mr. Gorelick was authentic..!

[David Loving]

Dali Lama walks into a pizzeria, and says "Make me one with everything."

[stillplaying]

The Kenny G Michael Bolton thing - I'm still amazed that music has the power to reduce me to tears. I was crying from around 2:09. That little look Bolton gives him.

[wmp]

Piano for hip hop and rap.

 

http://b3and88.com/img/hip-hop-piano.jpg

 

I wonder why it has a music desk. Probably for blunts.

[Threadslayer]

Added bonus: You can play it in handcuffs!