Jump to content


Please note: You can easily log in to MPN using your Facebook account!

OT: a bit a humor, chime in with others!


Recommended Posts

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

 

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I ...think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

 

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

 

She agreed.

 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

 

Harry: "9."

 

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

 

Harry: "36."

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

 

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

 

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

 

The principal and Harry both agreed.

 

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

 

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

 

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

 

Harry replied: "Pockets."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

 

Harry: "Pants."

 

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

 

Harry: "Coconut."

 

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

 

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

 

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

 

Harry: "Shake hands."

 

The principal was trembling.

 

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

 

Harry: "Firetruck."

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

Estonia 190, Korg TrinityPlus, Yamaha P90, Roland PK-5a
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...


Comic: So, it's a music forum ... let me see, how many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Audience: Are the guitar players playing through solid state or tube amps?

 

C: What? That doesn't matter ...

 

A: It matters to them.

 

C: Ok then how many keyboard players does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

A: Are they using presets or their own sounds?

 

C: What? It doesn't matter ...

 

A: It matters to them.

 

C: Ok. I'll try again. How many jazz players does it take to change a light bulb.

 

A: Jazzers?

 

C: Yes, jazzers. Light bulb. How many of them to change it.

 

A: By change you mean ...

 

C: I mean change it. Change it. For f**k's sake, it's not that hard.

 

A: Change the light bulb.

 

C: Yes.

 

A: Jazz musicians.

 

C: Yes jazz musicians. Taking a light bulb and substituting another one.

 

A: Which substitutions are they using? Have they agreed them in advance ...

 

C: Good night folks. Nothing to laugh at here ...

I'm the piano player "off of" Borrowed Books.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

It's Hell to be Old

 

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

 

 

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of

his physical exam.

 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a

semen sample tomorrow.'

 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave

him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

 

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like

this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with

my left hand, but still nothing.

 

'Then I asked my wife for help. She

tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried

with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still

nothing.

 

'We even called up Arleen, the lady

next door and she tried too, first with

both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her

knees, but still nothing.'

 

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbour?'

 

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 

:facepalm::laugh:

 

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." - Victor Hugo
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

 

"Not yet," said the little boy

 

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

 

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

 

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

 

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

 

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

Estonia 190, Korg TrinityPlus, Yamaha P90, Roland PK-5a
Link to comment
Share on other sites

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in

Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to

"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to

"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit

Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody

Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"

warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's

get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the

reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for

the last 300 years.

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its

terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in

France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by

a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively

paralyzing the country's military capability.

 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"

to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:

"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful

Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also

have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only

threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to

deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new

Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No

worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels

remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this

weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever

warranted use of the final escalation level..

 

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

linwood - (ouch for that clip BTW) - in the links showing underneath I clocked one called "this drummer's in the wrong band" - give it a view if you haven't seen it.

 

(EDIT) - yellow jackets showing in photo and it's actually "wrong band" not "wrong gig" in the title

I'm the piano player "off of" Borrowed Books.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

This just in from a friend of mine in the US armed forces:

 

=============

 

Augusta, GA*

 

*Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.*

 

*Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe.*

 

*After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment.

 

The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw...injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.*

 

Now that was a well written Police report.

 

====================

:facepalm:

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." - Victor Hugo
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So this dude goes out and gets "I Love You" tattooed on his ding-dong. When he comes home and shows his wife she says, "Stop trying to put words in my mouth!"

"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."

- George Bernard Shaw

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...

 

It was pretty hot here this week in my little Southern slice of heaven... but I can't complain. Here's a report I received today from a USAF friend of mine in Texas...

 

A buddy out of Longview Texas said he killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.

 

A man in Dime Box Texas said the chicken farmers were giving the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

 

In Lake Palestine Texas they caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it.

 

Just this week, in Bryan Texas, a fire hydrant was seen bribing a dog.

 

It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water. (Now THAT's dry!)

 

Hey Joe Mosquatito... how 'bout a beer... Pahtnah? :cool:

 

(and where you goin' witdat gun in yer hand?)

 

Tom

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." - Victor Hugo
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's been so hot here for so long that people have given up posting pictures of their car thermometers on FB.

 

 

"I'm so crazy, I don't know this is impossible! Hoo hoo!" - Daffy Duck

 

"The good news is that once you start piano you never have to worry about getting laid again. More time to practice!" - MOI

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 months later...

 

At a wine merchant's business, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

 

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

 

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.

 

"That's correct", said the boss.

 

Another glass....

 

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."

 

"Correct."

 

A third glass...

 

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

 

The director was astonished.

 

He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

 

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

 

The alcoholic tried it.

 

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

 

:laugh:

 

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." - Victor Hugo
Link to comment
Share on other sites

HOW TO START A FIGHT

 

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

 

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

 

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

 

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

 

That's how the fight started.

 

 

________________________________

 

 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

 

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

 

When she asked me why, I replied,

 

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

 

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

 

 

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

 

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

 

'No,' she answered. I then said,

 

'Is that your final answer?'

 

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

 

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

 

And that's when the fight started...

 

________________________________

 

 

I took my wife to a restaurant.

 

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

 

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

 

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

 

"Nah, she can order for herself."

 

And that's when the fight started.....

 

_______________________________

 

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

 

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

 

"Yes", she sighed,

 

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

 

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

And then the fight started...

 

________________________________

 

 

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

 

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

 

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

______________________________

 

 

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

 

She asked, "What's on TV?"

 

I said, "Dust."

 

And then the fight started...

 

________________________________

 

 

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

 

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

 

And that's how the fight started...

 

_______________________________

 

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

 

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

 

I bought her a bathroom scale.

 

And then the fight started......

 

______________________________

 

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

 

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

 

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

 

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

 

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

 

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

 

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

 

And then the fight started...

 

________________________________

 

 

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

 

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

 

I replied, "Your eyesight's nearly perfect."

 

And then the fight started........

_______________________________

 

:cool:

 

 

 

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." - Victor Hugo
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

 

 

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'

 

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

 

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

 

'We use it for sex.'

 

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

 

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all ... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

 

:laugh:

 

Happy Friday!

 

Tom

 

 

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." - Victor Hugo
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...
  • 2 weeks later...

A Touching Christmas Story

 

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon when the wife realized that her husband, Lester, had disappeared.

 

The somewhat irate spouse called her mates cell phone and demanded, "Lester, where are you?"

 

In his sweetest voice, he replied, "Darling do you remember sometime back when we were here at the mall and stopped in that little jewelry shop where you saw the beautiful diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money at the time but promised that one day it would be yours?" :love:

 

Wife, with a smile blushing, "Yes, I remember that, my love."

 

Lester replied, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to that shop."

 

:facepalm:

 

Lester received only coal and switches that Christmas.

 

:laugh:

 

 

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Vowb-7R7NDA/TRGLaQjmZGI/AAAAAAAAANs/Vm8_0SUbZcE/S748/loldogs-funny-dog-pictures-sorry-to-inform-you.jpg

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." - Victor Hugo
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident and found themselves in Heaven. When St. Peter met them at the gate, they asked if they could get married in Heaven.

 

St. Peter said: "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me find out!".

 

It took 3 months for St Peter to come back:

 

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

 

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

 

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

 

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

 

"OH COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

 

aka âmisterdregsâ

 

Nord Electro 5D 73

Yamaha P105

Kurzweil PC3LE7

Motion Sound KP200S

Schimmel 6-10LE

QSC CP-12

Westone AM Pro 30 IEMs

Rolls PM55P

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

THE MAN RULES

 

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

 

We always hear "the rules" from the female side... now here are the rules from the male side.

 

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

 

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 

1. Sunday sports or news, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

 

1.. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

 

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

 

1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Cars.

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

 

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

:laugh:

 

 

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." - Victor Hugo
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Unfortunately, your content contains terms that we do not allow. Please edit your content to remove the highlighted words below.
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...